Whew, the tough entry for today. So my ex phoned me up late last night to chat the result: loss of much needed sleep due to an overactive brain.
So first things first: why exactly am I posting the results of my thoughts here? Easy enough:
a) I can sometime express myself more clearly in writing than what I can using spoken words.
b) I know she reads this page :)
The question is: should I forgive and forget and take her back in a relationship like it was?
The answer: well its a little complicated. So here goes:
I believe that any real relationship has the essential cornerstones of mutual respect and trust built into it by default. These two qualities are exceedingly important and without them I feel a relationship would be little more than a sham a show put on just for the hell of it.
Now if I look at my situation, yes given time, I can forgive and forget my exs brief infidelity (as long as I don’t run into the guy again, because hell probably wish he was never born) and probably take her back just like that. But the problem is I’m afraid that the respect and trust that once was there between us has now eroded to little more than dust and so I can truthfully say it would be a relationship built on a sandy beach, just waiting for the first wave to come and wash it away.
Can these two things be rebuilt again? Probably yes, given enough time. The thing is, thats exactly where the problem lies, doesnt it? Time moves along, it waits for no one. What if the time taken for these things to heal and rebuild is simply too long to wait? Is it worth the time and effort?
Unfortunately, thats where my dilemma likes: I do genuinely care for and love this girl and would want it to work So I am willing to wait, but at what cost to my own life? What newly-opened opportunities could I be missing out on?
And then there are the other things to take into account. I’ve told everyone that I’ve dumped her because she cheated on me – a fairly natural thing to do as far as I am concerned. Shed have to live with this fact and face these people once more, not knowing what they now think of her. And make no mistake, I would expect it of her. I refuse to throw any part of my life away or to desperately try and cover up for her and her actions and mistakes. There are consequences for every action in this world, and a person has to accept them, like it or not.
So the way forward? Well I propose the lets just be friends adage for now. Perhaps it grows into something like it used to, perhaps it doesnt. I think that this might be my final gesture of goodwill towards her though. She can take it or leave it, but for now I can think of no better way to go forward. I wont jump head first into an empty relationship right now, but who knows, a decent friendship might just blossom into something meaningful once more. Ill just have to wait and see.
[PS: You can rest assured that this entry will more than likely be ‘removed upon request’ shortly :)]