Tag Archives: babies

Joke Factory: Sex and the Photographer Jokes & other Funny Stuff 16 MAR 2012

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and so made the tough decision to use a surrogate father to start their family, but that it would be done the good old fashioned way, with no test tubes or needles in sight.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife good-bye and said, “Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.”

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rung the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

“Good morning, Ma’am”, he said, “I’ve come to…”

“Oh, no need to explain,” Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed. “I’ve been expecting you.”

“Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?”

“Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”

After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.”

“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!”

“Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

“My, that’s a lot!” gasped Mrs. Smith.

“Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.”

“Don’t I know it,” said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus,” he said.

“Oh my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with.”

“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.

“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.”

“Four and five deep?” said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

“Yes”, the photographer replied, “and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.”

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um… equipment?”

“It’s true, Ma’am, yes. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.”

“Tripod?”

“Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand for very long.”

At this point she fainted.

Family and Friends Update My Life 14 NOV 2011

I know, I know, I’ve been really slack over the last month or two with regards to reporting on our weekend happenings and all the goings on with our friends and family. So to make up for my unforgivable lapse in reporting, here is a fairly comprehensive list of all the big family and friends stuff that I’ve failed to mention on my blog.

Will that be sufficient?

So let’s start with the family then shall we. Not much exciting happening in terms of Ryan as far as I know, apart from his purchase of a cool splash pool for his house, which I can assure you Jessie and I will be paying multiple visits to during my Single Parent weekend stints over this summer. Claire and Riley are currently enjoying another overseas holiday trip, with Riley first practising Kung Fu in Hong Kong, before they moved off to Singapore and then Thailand. Not much exciting in terms of Dad, but a big one for Mom, as she underwent a successful knee replacement operation, meaning she is currently in the lengthy process rehabilitating her knee.

As for the other side, still big drama for Chantelle’s grandparents who are caught in the unfortunate Radisson Blu Blouberg debacle, but we did get to enjoy a fantastic 60th spit braai celebration for Monty, who celebrated in style with family and friends over at Gordon’s Beach Lodge a little while ago. Same old, same old for Robert (outside of his shiny car of course), and can’t think of any big news revolving mom-in-law though, other than she’s been a real star when it comes to playing babysitter for us! ;)

As for the friends, a fair bit of big happenings, most of which revolves around babies (boy, we really are all at that stage of our lives now!).

Terrance is still very much missing in action, enjoying his big adventure in Japan as far as what we can tell, Karl is still tinkering around at varsity and Trish is enjoying playing Bass for their band. No idea what Wayne and Candice are up to come and think of it. Damen and Michelle welcomed their little bundle of joy into the world a couple of weeks early, giving him the claw-tipped name of Logan. Similarly, Evan and Natasha welcomed into the world little Evalynne, the tallest little baby girl I have ever seen! Zania and little Zandea (who turns two pretty soon) have been pretty quiet, but maybe that’s just because Dean has been so hard at work on his braai room that he and his father-in-law or in the process of building!

Retha and Miguel are still teaching in South Korea (and organising charity work here in South Africa on the side!). Albert landed a sweet gig of producing a television series for KykNet, while Andy continues raising little Annebella who also turns 1 pretty shortly, while Michelle and Gary also welcomed their second little one into the world, named Hannah. Oh, and in case you thought I was done with all the babies, Malcolm and Andri brought little Annabelle into this world (their first daughter) and Chantelle’s cousin Chané with husband Jasper also welcomed their little bundle of joy recently.

Seriously, it’s just babies everywhere one looks! :)

And that is that as far as what everyone in our lives are or have been getting up to, so now you know. Happy?

Photo Gallery: Baby Gym Graduation Day (2011-10-15) My Life | Photo Gallery 15 OCT 2011

We attended the six week long Baby Gym course out in Bellville, taking Jessica through each and every Saturday morning where we would get taught how to properly stimulate and exercise various aspects of our little girl. All in all, the classes worked wonders in bringing Jessica up to speed in terms of her development, meaning we were pretty chuffed with the results. And of course as all courses should rightfully do, this one ended off with a proper little graduation “ceremony” and photo shoot for the little ones! :)

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Shorts: Move, Crash, Sleep, Birth My Life 11 MAY 2010

(NOTE: This was meant to be published last week – but thanks to a “kidnapping” of me by my wife for a surprise birthday celebration weekend away, I only get to post it now! :P)

So life has been quite busy on the work front as of late, not because of work (well okay, there have been a few crises to deal with) but more precisely thanks to our latest big move, shifting the entire operation from Unit 4 in the building down the line to Unit 1. This of course means that the dev team is no longer trapped in a box in a garage under the main office (though in fairness we did have a table tennis table to keep us occupied) and it must be said that the new office that we all now co-inhabit is a lot more airy and spacious than the previous one we came out of. I’ve got a nice seat with a good view and feeling of openness, so I’m pretty happy about the whole affair.

But man what a mission. Unlike the last time when we just moved the dev team downstairs and before that when we moved from the boss’ house (we didn’t have much existing equipment to move), this was far more strenuous and with a whole lot more heavy stuff to lug across!

Unfortunately things didn’t go all that smoothly and we’ve been plagued with connectivity issues since (which follows on the week of the frustrating Seacom debacle which also kept us offline), having lost a network card on the one proxy machine and more importantly, the diginet router, a hell of an expensive piece of equipment to replace. As it is, I’ve had to play deliveryman and pick up the replacement from a house in Somerset West, having to go there three times, the first time to pick up the router, the second time to return it to have a card in it replaced (at 22:00 in the evening!) and then one last time to return the spare cable we were loaned after the second visit! To make matters worse, there were some account stuff ups from Telkom’s side as well, meaning that this entire week we’ve pretty much kicked off each and every day with connection – bloody frustrating as you can imagine!

Oh, and the new project manager arrived. Pretty cool guy and I am looking forward to working with him as he strive to implement a more structured, agile development methodology moving forward.

It would also seem that winter is now well and truly beginning to stretch her cold limbs as we’re finally being hit with bucket loads of wind and water – which always seems to trip up the less competent drivers. I’ve already spotted two fender benders happening right in front of me because the driver behind a) isn’t concentrating and b) doesn’t increase his following distance in these wet and slippery conditions.

That said, I myself nearly put a little dent in Gina G., not because of the weather conditions but rather because of a momentary lapse in concentration. I had just pulled into a parking bay in the underground parking at the gym and was leaning over to collect my card and access keys when I realised that the car was actually rolling forward – she was still in neutral and I had forgotten to pull up the hand brake!! I jumped on the brakes and stopped her dead in her tracks, literally a centimetre from the wall and a nasty pipe which would surely have left a bit of a ding in my beloved Getz.

(Oh, and I’m pleased to announce that she’s finally becoming less greedy in terms of her petrol consumption – seems to be moving around in the Jetta’s consumption area at last!)

Now on to my completely next arbitrary topic for this quick post of shorts deals with the fact that I completely crashed on Wednesday. I haven’t been getting a lot of sleep lately (really my own fault, so no one to blame – stupid desire to tinker on websites) and as we moved into the afternoon I suddenly found myself falling into a complete and utter state of exhaustion, literally both mentally and physically fatigued all at once. So instead of driving through to karate, I found myself turning in at our flat, where I hit the bed, woke up when Chantelle arrived home at 08:00, ate supper that she made and then went back to bed. Seriously, I have no explanation for it, but the extended period of sleep did seem to help somewhat for the rest of the week.

Okay, what next? Ah, Andri gave birth this week to a healthy little baby boy, Arum Reid Jack (I’m not sure if it is Arum like in the flower or Aram. I’ll get back to you on that one). Chantelle has already been to see the proud parents (this is their second one) and I’m sure I’ll get around to seeing the new tyke sooner than later. Shame, little Zandea seems to have recovered from her bout of illness that saw her rushed off to hospital and poor Zania spending about three nights sleeping there! But man, everyone around seems to be pregnant at the moment. Michelle (Ollewage) gave birth just a short while ago to a beautiful little boy (who looks like his dad) named David, Michelle (Oosthuizen) has just reached the halfway mark in her pregnancy, Andy has come out and officially announced her pregnancy!

So maybe it is no wonder that Chantelle and I also feel that now is the right time for us? ;)

Anyway, I think that about wraps it up for life at the moment, so now you can’t complain about not being in the know! :P