He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student’s immediate family.
A smart arse student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up, “But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?”
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.
When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
“Well,” he responded, “I guess you’ll just have to learn to write with your other hand then.”
“The choice of food that we put into our stomachs these days is sometimes quite literally enough to us given enough time”.
“Red meat is awful, soft drinks corrode your stomach lining, Chinese food is loaded with MSG, high fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our very drinking water. ”
“However, above all this, there is still one food choice that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it.”
Pausing for effect, the doctor continued with, “So, does anyone have an idea as to what this food choice is that can cause so much grief and suffering over such an extended period of time after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a wrinkled 75-year-old man in the front row slowly raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding cake.”
Naturally, that won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.
Later that night, John got home and mentioned to his wife, “Guess what, I won the prize for the best toast of the night!”
“Oh? So what was your toast then?” she asked.
“Well,” I told the boys, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, very nice, very nice. A worthy win indeed then my dear John,” exclaimed Mary.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night you know, with a toast about you, Mary.”
She replied, “Aye and I was a wee bit surprised myself! You know, he’s only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!”.
Three men died and went up to Heaven. Standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, the three men were asked just how faithful they had been to their wives during their time down on Earth, their level of devotion determining their mode of transport here in Heaven.
The first man stepped forward and said that he had never once cheated on his wife during their long marriage, and is still very much in love with her even after all this time. Pleased with his level of devotion, St. Peter rewarded the first man with a luxurious and beautiful Rolls Royce, in which he eased through the gates and entered Heaven.
The second man stepped forward and sheepishly admitted that although he had once or twice strayed from his wife during their marriage, for the most part he had been pretty faithful and too loved her. Not quite as pleased with the second man’s level devotion compared to that of the first guy, St. Peter nevertheless rewarded the second man with a shiny Mustang, in which he sped through the Gates.
The third man stepped up, hung his head in shame and announced that he had been unfaithful to his wife on more than just a few occasions, to which St. Peter responded by giving the man a scooter which he then hopped on and entered into Heaven.
A few days later the man on the scooter noticed the first man sitting on a curb next to his Rolls Royce, head in his hands and tears streaming down his face. Bemused, the scooter guy asked the first guy what was going on that was so terrible, given the fact that he now owned a beautiful luxurious Rolls Royce.
“Well,” sniffed the first man. “I just saw my wife go past on roller skates…”
An elderly lady, an attractive big boobed blonde, a noisy American and a Canadian guy were all seated on a train passing through a particularly mountainous area. As they passed through a pitch black tunnel, a loud *SLAP* broke the silence, and as the train emerged from the tunnel and into the light, there sat the American with a bright red hand print across the side of his face.
The old lady chuckled and thought to herself, “That noisy guy probably grabbed the blonde’s breast and she slapped him!”
The blonde thought to herself, “Ha, that guy probably tried to grab my breast, missed, and then caught the old lady’s breast by mistake. Wow, she really gave him a good wallop!”
The America thinks, “Geez, that Canadian probably tried to grab the blonde’s breast, she missed slapping him, and caught me instead!”
The Canadian guy sits there with a smile on his face, “Man, I can’t wait until another tunnel so that I can slap the crap out of this American again!”
Utterly bewildered shop-goers could only look on at this strange debacle, before a young manager stepped forward, approached the man who was now swinging the dog around quite wildly, and asked if there was anything wrong or anything that he could do for the blind man.
“No sir,” replied the blind man. “I’m just having a look around”.
First day of university lectures for Psychology 101, and there standing in the main lecture hall is Professor Clarke, about to greet his new class.
He stands in front of the large group and poses a question:
“Would everyone who thinks that either he or she is stupid, please stand up?”
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
“Well, hello there sir. So, do you actually believe that you’re currently sitting on the lower levels of the intelligence scale then?” asked the professor.
Without so much as a blink, the student replied, “No sir. I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself…”
An investment counsellor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.
“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?”
“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”
“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?” asked the investment counsellor.
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”
Taking off his shoes so as not to wake his wife, Dave tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump, breaking the remaining liquor bottles that he had brought with him in the process!
Managing not to yell, David sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding thanks to all the glass from the broken bottles. Managing to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids in the bathroom, he returned to the hall mirror and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could wherever he spotted blood.
Finally done, he then hid the now almost empty box and stumbled the rest of his way up to the room, slinking into the end of the bed without waking Kathy.
Come morning, David wakes up with a heavy head and a searing pain in his butt, and more disturbingly, a visibly annoyed Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
Not mincing her words, she said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”
To which Dave could only reply, ” Now why you say such a mean and untrue thing?”
“Well,” Kathleen said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly… it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!”