Both men are playing well, but they are being held up by two women in front of them who are moving at a much slower pace. Joe offers to go and talk to the women and see if they will let them pass. He gets about 3/4ths of the way, stops and jogs back.
His boss asks what the problem is.
Joe replies, “Well it turns out that one of those women is my wife and the other happens to be my mistress!”
Phil shakes his head and starts walking towards the women himself, determined to finish his round of golf before lunch runs out. Preparing to ask the ladies to let them play through, he too stops short and turns around.
This time it is Joe who asks, “What’s wrong boss?”
Phil replies, “It’s a small, small world Joe, and by the way, you’re fired!”
I’ll admit it, as silly as this one is, the first time I saw it made me chuckle out aloud. I guess I really am just that easy to please! :P
The redhead says, “when we conceived, my husband was on top, so we’re going to have a little girl.”
The brunette says, “when we conceived I was on top so I’m going to have a little boy.”
The blonde thought for a second and then broke out into tears.
“Oh no… then I’m having puppies!”
Finding his way to a barstool, he sits down and orders a beer. A couple of minutes later, he yells out to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to the old cowboy turns and says to him, “Before you tell that joke cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things.”
“First, the bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. Two, the bouncer is a blonde girl. Three, the lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Four, the lady sitting next to me is blonde and happens to be a professional weightlifter. Lastly, I am 6-foot tall, weigh 175 pounds, have a black belt in karate, and am also blonde.”
“In other words, I suggest you think carefully as to whether or not you still want to tell your little blonde joke.”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
A housework-challenged husband decided to wash his own t-shirt for the first time ever. So he disappeared into the washing room and promptly called out to his wife: “honey, what setting must I use on the washing machine to wash my shirt?”
The wife shouted back, “What does it say on the shirt dear?”
Shrugging his shoulders, the man replied, “University of Stellenbosch!”
An elderly grandfather was sitting on the edge of his bed, busy removing his socks.
All of a sudden, his wife of fifty years came running naked down the passage, burst into the room, and leapt into the air and onto the bed, arms outstretched and screaming “Super Pussy!!!!” as she came down.
The old man turned his head and calmly said:
“I’ll have the soup please.”
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients and as he approached the receptionist’s desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a rather large, unfriendly woman who looked far too much like a Sumo wrestler for his liking.
Arriving at her desk, he gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, “NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
(Though if you think about it, I’m not so sure that his witty retort actually helps him out of his embarrassing situation at all, come to think of it!)
A grandmother was tasked with taking her eager young grandson to partake in his first ever karate tournament. On arriving, the granny noted that the tournament organiser appeared rather understaffed, and so approached the main officials’ table.
“Good morning,” she said to the tournament director, “you look a little short-handed. Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Well yes, we are short of fighters for the under 90 kg division,” the director replied.
“Sorry,” the grandmother said, “but I really don’t know anything about karate.”
“That’s okay then,” said the directory without batting an eyelid.
“We need referees too”.
This fun little news article was published a little earlier on IOL News:
Wellington – A New Zealander ended up in court after punching a man over a breach of urinal etiquette.
Edward Aldridge, 47, punched his victim twice after he used the urinal next to him in a pub in Christchurch. Aldridge accused his victim of looking at him, reports Metro.
Speaking in his defence, Counsel Liz Bulger said: “This incident arose from what I understand to be urinal etiquette. When the victim spoke to the defendant he was effectively smirking. The defendant was outraged.”
Sentencing Aldridge to 50 hours of community service, Judge Raoul Neave said: “This is exactly the sort of behaviour that makes people afraid to go to town.”
As silly as this article sounds to you female readers out there, there is in fact an unspoken urinal etiquette that applies across the world to every male apart from Nigerians and other Africans who generally have no concept of personal space in the first place.
You always head to the urinals on the side or second from last first. If there are other urinals open, you never approach a urinal directly next to another one that is currently in use. If you are forced to use a urinal next to one that is currently in use, you may not look at the person next to you. You are to face the front and continue facing forward for the duration of your business. You man never, repeat never, look towards another man’s crotch. You may also not strike up any conversation whatsoever while using the urinal. When finishing, no vigorous shaking of your appendage is allowed. Splash fallout is not tolerated will likely be punished by a swift beating from other patrons.
So you see, it is quite a strict and specific code we men follow and I can understand the defendant’s actions towards the offending ‘smirker’. So while Mr Edward Aldrige might not have the best tools available to him, at least he is good with his hands!
And as a little extra to this random entry, I’ve decided to show you what is currently considered ‘hot’ in public restroom design: wall art.