“Can you tackle?” asked the coach.
“Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
“Wow,” said the coach. “I’m impressed. Can you run?”
“Of course I can run,” said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
“Great!” enthused the coach. “But can you pass a football?”
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. “Well, sir,” he said, “if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”
They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. Simple, but effective.
So they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, let’s get out and get him.”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?”
The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”
I love this one, though I’m pretty sure that at least 75% of bars throughout the world feature a tip jar with this exact message on it. Of course, 82% of all statistics are made up on the spot you know…
Bill takes a young lady, Kelly, on a date. It is their first date, and so in order to do something a little different from the usual fancy restaurant gig, he decides to take her to the carnival which happens to be in town for the night.
After having arrived and strolled around for a bit, Bill asks Kelly what she would like to do, upon which she replies, “I want to get weighed.”
A bit confused, but in a “oh what the heck” mood, Bill takes her to the weighing station, where the guesser manages to correctly guess her weight third time around.
Having lost his money to the correct guess, Bill then asks Kelly, “What would you like todo next?”, to which Kelly replies, “I want to get weighed.”
Now mightily confused (and a little bit annoyed), Bill fakes a headache/stomach cramp/whatever will get him out of this date, cuts his losses and takes Kelly home, before heading back out into the night.
As Kelly walks in through the front door, her roommate Laura, who is sitting in the living room, calls out, “Hey you, so how was your date?”
On the point of tears, Kelly bursts out, “Oh Wauwa, it was wousy!”
I won’t lie, I was guffawing out aloud when I first encountered the Robert De Niro, Robert De Faro joke, and quite frankly immediately ran off in search of Chantelle in order to share it with her. This must be why she loves me so.
As he prepared to sign off a cheque, he pulled out a rectal thermometer from his pocket and attempted to write with it.
Quickly realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer in annoyance and muttered out aloud, “Well that’s just great. Some asshole’s got my pen…”
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses £250 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Eventually Michael looks around and asks, “Oh me boys, someone has to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?”
They draw straws. Paul picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, and most important of all, don’t make a bad situation any worse.
“Discreet!? I’m the most discreet Irishman you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”
So Paul goes over to Paddy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Paul promptly declares, “Your husband just lost £250, and is afraid to come home.”
“Tell him to drop dead!”, shouts Paddy’s wife.
“I’ll go tell him,” replied Paul with a smile.
She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the inexperienced blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the horse’s side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground, over and over again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune… Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say Hello.
I’ll admit it, as silly as this one is, the first time I saw it made me chuckle out aloud. I guess I really am just that easy to please! :P