“The choice of food that we put into our stomachs these days is sometimes quite literally enough to us given enough time”.
“Red meat is awful, soft drinks corrode your stomach lining, Chinese food is loaded with MSG, high fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our very drinking water. ”
“However, above all this, there is still one food choice that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it.”
Pausing for effect, the doctor continued with, “So, does anyone have an idea as to what this food choice is that can cause so much grief and suffering over such an extended period of time after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a wrinkled 75-year-old man in the front row slowly raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding cake.”
“Can you tackle?” asked the coach.
“Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
“Wow,” said the coach. “I’m impressed. Can you run?”
“Of course I can run,” said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
“Great!” enthused the coach. “But can you pass a football?”
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. “Well, sir,” he said, “if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”
A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a young girl coming down the street in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. She is wearing a fireman’s helmet and has the cart tied to both a dog and a cat.
Playing the part, the fireman walks over to take a closer look.
“That’s a lovely fire engine,” he says admiringly.
“Thank you sir,” replies the little girl.
The fireman takes a closer look and happens to notice that the little girl has tied one of the cart’s strings to the dog’s collar and the other to the cat’s testicles.
“Little colleague,” says the fireman, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.”
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman’s eyes and says, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren, now would I?”
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and before long, put it into action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. Turning towards the blonde, she asked, “Now, do you remember what the plan is?”
The blonde sighed and replied, “Yeah, yeah, I remember.”, but just to be safe, the brunette went over the plan in detail one last time, stressing that the blonde needed to be in and out in no more than five minutes.
So with everything set, the blonde made her move.
It was a nervous wait for the brunette, but after what seemed an eternity, the blonde came bursting out of the bank’s doors, the alarms sounding loudly, and with a safe tied with a rope being dragged along behind her.
This was followed by a security guard rushing out of the bank, pants around his ankles and desperately trying to reach for his gun.
Failing to stuff the tied up safe in the car, the blonde eventually had to just drop it and jumped into the passenger seat, allow the brunette to speed off into the safety of the dark night.
Turning towards the blonde, the seething brunette could barely contain her anger: “YOU IDIOT!! You were supposed to tie up the guard and blow the safe!!”
They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. Simple, but effective.
So they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, let’s get out and get him.”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?”
The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”
So a flea walks into the office one morning, freezing cold, dripping wet, and sits down at his desk, absolutely miserable and dejected. A concerned coworker flea walks up to his desk and says, “Hey man, what happened to you? You look like hell.”
To which the flea replies, “Man, I had the worst night ever. I spent the night in a biker’s moustache!”
His coworker laughs and says, “That’s terrible. Listen, take my advice. If you want the best night’s sleep that you have ever had, go out one night and find a really obese woman – like the largest woman you can find – crawl up her leg, and spend the night in her pubic hair.”
So the next day, the same flea walks into the office, late again, freezing cold and dripping wet, and sits down at his desk, absolutely miserable and dejected. His coworker comes up to him and says, “Hey, how come you didn’t take my advice?”
“I did,” replied the bedraggled flea, “but I woke up in the biker’s moustache!”
He opts for the most sheer item, pays the R500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs to try it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks to herself, “Here’s an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the R500 refund for myself.”
Happy with her underhanded plan, she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
Catching sight of his wife, the husband says, “Good Lord! You’d think that for R500, they’d at least iron it a bit!”
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and so made the tough decision to use a surrogate father to start their family, but that it would be done the good old fashioned way, with no test tubes or needles in sight.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife good-bye and said, “Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rung the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
“Good morning, Ma’am”, he said, “I’ve come to…”
“Oh, no need to explain,” Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed. “I’ve been expecting you.”
“Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?”
“Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!”
“Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot!” gasped Mrs. Smith.
“Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.”
“Don’t I know it,” said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus,” he said.
“Oh my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
“Yes”, the photographer replied, “and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.”
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um… equipment?”
“It’s true, Ma’am, yes. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.”
“Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand for very long.”
At this point she fainted.
A well dressed man walked into a fur store, accompanied by beautiful, stacked blonde. “Show my new girlfriend your finest mink,” he announced loudly. The store owner quickly retrieved a full coat, which the blonde tried on and absolutely loved.
“Just a note, but that coat costs $50,000,” the shop owner nervously said.
“No problem,” the man smiled, “I’ll write you a cheque in full for it right now.”
“Wonderful!” beamed the shop owner. “Since today is Friday, I’ll just hold it for you to pick up on Monday after your cheque has had a chance to clear the bank.”
The happy couple left the store.
On Monday afternoon, the man returned alone, and was greeted by the owner angrily, “How dare you come back here and show your face again? Didn’t you know your cheque would bounce because of insufficient funds?”
“Oh, sure,” smiled the happy customer, “But I just came by to thank you for the best weekend of my life.” ;)