Tag Archives: laugh

Joke Factory: That’s One Way to Secure the Votes Jokes & other Funny Stuff 03 FEB 2012

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Emma, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Emma replied, “Well Herman, I have to be honest with you too dear. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Hurt by his wife’s sudden and unexpected confession, Herman managed to stay composed and said, “I never suspected a thing. Could you perhaps please tell me just what you mean by ‘good reason’?”

Emma said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Herman recalled the visit to the banker and said, “Oh. But I can forgive you for that my dear, after all, you saved our home. And the second time?”

Emma asked, “Do you remember when you were so sick and we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” replied Herman tearfully, “And again you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“All right,” Emma said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of the synagogue, and you needed 73 more votes to win?”

Joke Factory: Rounding Up Jokes & other Funny Stuff 13 JAN 2012

Wondering just how many sheep he currently has grazing in his field, the farmer asks his sheepdog to go out and count them.

The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.

“So,” asks the farmer, “How many sheep are there?”

“40,” replies the dog.

“What? How can there be 40?!” exclaims the farmer. “I only bought 38!”

“I know,” says the dog. “But I rounded them up.”

Joke Factory: One Ravish Please Jokes & other Funny Stuff 06 JAN 2012

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his varied purchases and exclaims, “Damn it, I WALKED here. How in the world am I going carry all of this home?!?”

The livestock dealer replied, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Hey, thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went.

As he was walking down the road towards his home, he meets a little old lady who tells him that she is lost. She asks, “Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?”

The farmer thinks for a bit and says, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”

To this the little old lady replied, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”

The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?!?”

“Well, you could set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket… and I’ll hold the chickens.”

Joke Factory: How To Break Bad News Jokes & other Funny Stuff 30 SEP 2011

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses £250 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Eventually Michael looks around and asks, “Oh me boys, someone has to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?”

They draw straws. Paul picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, and most important of all, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

“Discreet!? I’m the most discreet Irishman you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”

So Paul goes over to Paddy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Paul promptly declares, “Your husband just lost £250, and is afraid to come home.”

“Tell him to drop dead!”, shouts Paddy’s wife.

“I’ll go tell him,” replied Paul with a smile.

Joke Factory: Blonde Riding a Horse Jokes & other Funny Stuff 16 SEP 2011

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the inexperienced blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the horse’s side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground, over and over again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune… Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

Joke Factory: Doggy-style Jokes & other Funny Stuff 26 AUG 2011

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are pregnant and sitting in their doctor’s waiting room.

The redhead says, “when we conceived, my husband was on top, so we’re going to have a little girl.”

The brunette says, “when we conceived I was on top so I’m going to have a little boy.”

The blonde thought for a second and then broke out into tears.

“Oh no… then I’m having puppies!”

Joke Factory: The Blind Cowboy versus the Blondes Jokes & other Funny Stuff 19 AUG 2011

An elderly, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

Finding his way to a barstool, he sits down and orders a beer. A couple of minutes later, he yells out to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to the old cowboy turns and says to him, “Before you tell that joke cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things.”

“First, the bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. Two, the bouncer is a blonde girl. Three, the lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Four, the lady sitting next to me is blonde and happens to be a professional weightlifter. Lastly, I am 6-foot tall, weigh 175 pounds, have a black belt in karate, and am also blonde.”

“In other words, I suggest you think carefully as to whether or not you still want to tell your little blonde joke.”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Joke Factory: Super Pussy Jokes & other Funny Stuff 13 AUG 2011

An elderly grandfather was sitting on the edge of his bed, busy removing his socks.

All of a sudden, his wife of fifty years came running naked down the passage, burst into the room, and leapt into the air and onto the bed, arms outstretched and screaming “Super Pussy!!!!” as she came down.

The old man turned his head and calmly said:

“I’ll have the soup please.”