Tag Archives: lol

Joke Factory: Correcting My Stance Jokes & other Funny Stuff 24 AUG 2012

“I’m not so sure about the new Pro that the club hired,” said Peter. “He seems a little… strange.”

“Oh, why do you think that?” asked Fred.

“Well, he just tried to correct my stance again.”

“So?” said Fred. “You know he is just trying to help your game.”

“Yeah I know,” replied Peter, “but I was standing at the urinal at the time!”

Joke Factory: Cutting Down on Sexy Time Jokes & other Funny Stuff 18 AUG 2012

George is not having a good day on the golf course. None of his drives are going straight, his putting is horrendous, and to be honest, he just wasn’t being himself.

So the rest of his usual four-ball gathered around him and asked if something was up.

“It’s the wife,” said George. “As you all know, she’s taken up golf, and since she’s begun playing, she’s completely cut my sexy time down to only once a week!”

“That’s not so bad,” chirped up one of the guys from the four-ball. “Consider yourself lucky – she’s cut some of us out altogether!”

Joke Factory: A Different Vacation Experience this time around Jokes & other Funny Stuff 27 JUL 2012

Paddy walked into his travel agent’s office. “Brian, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my annual vacation getaways over these last three years, but this year I want to do something completely different”.

“Well Paddy, what do you mean by that?” asked a startled Brian.

“Three years ago, I thoroughly enjoyed the trip to the Bahamas. But on the return, we found out that my wife Victoria was pregnant. Good news for sure. Then two years ago, the trip to Hawaii was just as fantastic, but come to the end and Victoria was pregnant once again! And as you very well know, last year the trip to Mauritius was a right old success, but would you believe it, on the return we found out that Victoria was once again expecting!”

“Well, that’s a fantastic tale Paddy, but it still doesn’t tell me what you want to do differently for this year’s annual vacation?” replied Brian.

“That’s the thing Brian. This year I’m thinking of taking my wife Victoria along with me on holiday for a change!”

Joke Factory: Why Men make for Good Workers Jokes & other Funny Stuff 06 JUL 2012

In a small town in the US, there is a rather large factory whose policy it is to hire only married men for their workforce.

Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager one day and asked him, “Why is it that you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think that women are somehow inferior and the work that they do doesn’t match up on the factory floor?”

“Not at all, Ma’am,” the manager replied. “It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don’t pout when I yell at them.”

Joke Factory: The Blonde, the Lotto and God Jokes & other Funny Stuff 29 JUN 2012

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she is in dire financial straits. She is so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray: “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please, please let me win the Lotto.”

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. Again she prays: “God, please, please let me win the Lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m about to lose my car as well.”

Lotto night comes and still no big win for her. Once again, down on her knees, she prays: “My God, why have You forsaken me so? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order.”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself:

“Sweetheart, work with Me on this… Buy a ticket!”

Joke Factory: Taming the Lion Jokes & other Funny Stuff 15 JUN 2012

A circus owner runs an advert for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking older man in his mid-fifties and the other is a gorgeous brunette in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them: “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment – chair, whip and a gun. So, who wants to try out first?”

The girl eagerly thrusts up her hand and says: “I’ll go first.”

Calmly, she walks past the chair, the whip, and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage, unarmed.
The lion, on the other side of the enclosure, starts to snarl and pant, before beginning his rush at the defenseless beauty.

Just as the lion hits the halfway mark, she suddenly throws open her coat, revealing her beautiful naked body underneath.

Amazingly, the lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and smell his way across her entire body for what seems an eternity, before lying down and resting his head at her feet.

Stunned, the circus owner’s mouth is on the floor.

Turning to the man, he says: “I have never, never ever seen a display quite like that in my entire life. So mister, do you think that you can top that?”

Without skipping a beat, the older man replies: “No problem; just get that lion out of the way first though”.

Joke Factory: Fire Trucks should always come with a Siren Jokes & other Funny Stuff 01 JUN 2012

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a young girl coming down the street in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. She is wearing a fireman’s helmet and has the cart tied to both a dog and a cat.

Playing the part, the fireman walks over to take a closer look.

“That’s a lovely fire engine,” he says admiringly.

“Thank you sir,” replies the little girl.

The fireman takes a closer look and happens to notice that the little girl has tied one of the cart’s strings to the dog’s collar and the other to the cat’s testicles.

“Little colleague,” says the fireman, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.”

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman’s eyes and says, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren, now would I?”

Joke Factory: The Bungling Blonde Bank Robber Jokes & other Funny Stuff 25 MAY 2012

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and before long, put it into action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. Turning towards the blonde, she asked, “Now, do you remember what the plan is?”

The blonde sighed and replied, “Yeah, yeah, I remember.”, but just to be safe, the brunette went over the plan in detail one last time, stressing that the blonde needed to be in and out in no more than five minutes.

So with everything set, the blonde made her move.

It was a nervous wait for the brunette, but after what seemed an eternity, the blonde came bursting out of the bank’s doors, the alarms sounding loudly, and with a safe tied with a rope being dragged along behind her.

This was followed by a security guard rushing out of the bank, pants around his ankles and desperately trying to reach for his gun.

Failing to stuff the tied up safe in the car, the blonde eventually had to just drop it and jumped into the passenger seat, allow the brunette to speed off into the safety of the dark night.

Turning towards the blonde, the seething brunette could barely contain her anger: “YOU IDIOT!! You were supposed to tie up the guard and blow the safe!!”

Joke Factory: Photographing a Ghost Jokes & other Funny Stuff 18 MAY 2012

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townsfolk – the ghost which haunted there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al.

He told the ghost “I mean no harm – I just want your photograph”. Much to his surprise, the ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines – so much so that he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

As it turned out, the spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

Joke Factory: Factory Whistle Jokes & other Funny Stuff 27 APR 2012

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.

“Your workers, they’re escaping!” cries the visitor. “You’ve got to stop them!”

“Don’t worry, they’ll be back,” says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o’clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, “Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?”

“Forget the machines,” says the visitor. “How much do you want for that whistle?”

Joke Factory: The Twist versus the Screw Jokes & other Funny Stuff 13 APR 2012

It’s the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” says Bobby.

Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father responds “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says “Whaaaat?”

“Yeah,” says Peggy Sue’s father, “Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”

Bobby’s eyes light up and a smile breaks out from ear to ear. Needless to say, the evening’s plans have just been completely revised. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Peggy Sue’s dad calls out “Have a good evening kids,” with a wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: “DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!!!! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!!!”

Joke Factory: Maid Raise Jokes & other Funny Stuff 06 APR 2012

The maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. Sitting Maria down, she asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase at this time of the year?”

Maria answered, “Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I wanna increase.”

“The first is that I iron better than you.”

Taken aback, the wife immediately snaps back with, “Well, who said you iron better than me?”

Maria: “Your husband, he say so.”

Wife: “Oh yeah?”

Maria: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Maria: “Your husband did”

Now properly agitated, the wife blurted out: “Oh he did – did he???”

Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth: “And did my husband say that as well?”

“No Senora…,” replied Maria softly: “The gardener did.”

Joke Factory: Hair be Fleas Jokes & other Funny Stuff 28 MAR 2012

So a flea walks into the office one morning, freezing cold, dripping wet, and sits down at his desk, absolutely miserable and dejected. A concerned coworker flea walks up to his desk and says, “Hey man, what happened to you? You look like hell.”

To which the flea replies, “Man, I had the worst night ever. I spent the night in a biker’s moustache!”

His coworker laughs and says, “That’s terrible. Listen, take my advice. If you want the best night’s sleep that you have ever had, go out one night and find a really obese woman – like the largest woman you can find – crawl up her leg, and spend the night in her pubic hair.”

So the next day, the same flea walks into the office, late again, freezing cold and dripping wet, and sits down at his desk, absolutely miserable and dejected. His coworker comes up to him and says, “Hey, how come you didn’t take my advice?”

“I did,” replied the bedraggled flea, “but I woke up in the biker’s moustache!”

Joke Factory: Securing Your Weekend Jokes & other Funny Stuff 09 MAR 2012

A well dressed man walked into a fur store, accompanied by beautiful, stacked blonde. “Show my new girlfriend your finest mink,” he announced loudly. The store owner quickly retrieved a full coat, which the blonde tried on and absolutely loved.

“Just a note, but that coat costs $50,000,” the shop owner nervously said.

“No problem,” the man smiled, “I’ll write you a cheque in full for it right now.”

“Wonderful!” beamed the shop owner. “Since today is Friday, I’ll just hold it for you to pick up on Monday after your cheque has had a chance to clear the bank.”

The happy couple left the store.

On Monday afternoon, the man returned alone, and was greeted by the owner angrily, “How dare you come back here and show your face again? Didn’t you know your cheque would bounce because of insufficient funds?”

“Oh, sure,” smiled the happy customer, “But I just came by to thank you for the best weekend of my life.” ;)

Joke Factory: Not Your Standard STD Jokes & other Funny Stuff 29 FEB 2012

Steve and Fiona were making passionate love in Steve’s Volkswagen Kombi van when suddenly Fiona, being a bit on the kinky side, yelled out “Oh you dirty boy, whip me, whip me!!”

Steve, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity and obviously not having any whips at hand, did however have a flash of inspiration – he opened the window, snapped the aerial off his van and proceeded to whip Fiona until they both collapsed in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona noticed that the marks left by the whipping session were starting to fester a bit, so she went to see the doctor. The doctor took one look at the wounds and asked, “Did you get these marks having sex??”

Fiona, embarrassed to own up to having kinky sex, eventually admitted that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor said, “I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring it’s the worse case of van aerial disease I’ve ever seen…”

[Explanatory note: Although I shouldn’t have to do this, in case you don’t get it, another term for sexually transmitted diseases is “venereal disease”. Now read through it again…]