A sexually frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to reignite the spark that will hopefully resurrect her long dead sex life. Arriving back home, she tries them on under a short skirt and then heads down to the lounge where she sits down on the sofa opposite her husband, who is busy reading the evening newspaper. Every now and then, at strategic moments, she uncrosses her legs, eventually leading to her husband looking up, raising his eyebrow, and asking quizzically, “Are you wearing crotchless panties my dear?” Smiling, she seductively half-whispers, “Yes – why does it turn you on?” “Whew,” replied the husband. “For a minute there I thought you’d been sitting on top of the cat for the last twenty minutes!” … According to the coroner, he never heard the gunshot.
A golfer is on his way to Sun City to play in the annual golf tournament there. Passing through some pretty rural terrain, he is brought to a grinding halt when his BMW suffers a flat tire on one of the rear wheels. As he is busy changing the tire, a local comes across the scene and notices the two tees that has fallen out of the golfer’s pocket as he worked on the wheel. Curious, the local asks the golfer what they are. “Oh those?” the golfer replied. “They’re called tees and they are for resting my balls on when I drive.” “Bliksem!” exclaimed the local. “Those guys at BMW think of everything!”
“I’m not so sure about the new Pro that the club hired,” said Peter. “He seems a little… strange.” “Oh, why do you think that?” asked Fred. “Well, he just tried to correct my stance again.” “So?” said Fred. “You know he is just trying to help your game.” “Yeah I know,” replied Peter, “but I was standing at the urinal at the time!”
George is not having a good day on the golf course. None of his drives are going straight, his putting is horrendous, and to be honest, he just wasn’t being himself. So the rest of his usual four-ball gathered around him and asked if something was up. “It’s the wife,” said George. “As you all know, she’s taken up golf, and since she’s begun playing, she’s completely cut my sexy time down to only once a week!” “That’s not so bad,” chirped up one of the guys from the four-ball. “Consider yourself lucky – she’s cut some of us out altogether!”
Paddy walked into his travel agent’s office. “Brian, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my annual vacation getaways over these last three years, but this year I want to do something completely different”. “Well Paddy, what do you mean by that?” asked a startled Brian. “Three years ago, I thoroughly enjoyed the trip to the Bahamas. But on the return, we found out that my wife Victoria was pregnant. Good news for sure. Then two years ago, the trip to Hawaii was just as fantastic, but come to the end and Victoria was pregnant once again! And as you very well know, last year the trip to Mauritius was a right old success, but would you believe it, on the return we found out that Victoria was once again expecting!” “Well, that’s a fantastic tale Paddy, but it still doesn’t tell me what you want to do differently for this year’s annual vacation?” replied Brian. “That’s the thing Brian. This year I’m thinking of taking my wife Victoria along with me on holiday for a change!”
In a small town in the US, there is a rather large factory whose policy it is to hire only married men for their workforce. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager one day and asked him, “Why is it that you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think that women are somehow inferior and the work that they do doesn’t match up on the factory floor?” “Not at all, Ma’am,” the manager replied. “It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don’t pout when I yell at them.”
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she is in dire financial straits. She is so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray: “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please, please let me win the Lotto.” Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. Again she prays: “God, please, please let me win the Lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m about to lose my car as well.” Lotto night comes and still no big win for her. Once again, down on her knees, she prays: “My God, why have You forsaken me so? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order.” Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself: “Sweetheart, work with Me on this… Buy a ticket!”
A circus owner runs an advert for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking older man in his mid-fifties and the other is a gorgeous brunette in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them: “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment – chair, whip and a gun. So, who wants to try out first?” The girl eagerly thrusts up her hand and says: “I’ll go first.” Calmly, she walks past the chair, the whip, and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage, unarmed. The lion, on the other side of the enclosure, starts to snarl and pant, before beginning his rush at the defenseless beauty. Just as the lion hits the halfway mark, she suddenly throws open her coat, revealing her beautiful naked body underneath. Amazingly, the lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and smell his way across her entire body for what seems an eternity, before lying down and resting his head at her feet. Stunned, the circus owner’s mouth is on the floor. Turning to the man, he says: “I have never, never ever seen a display quite like that in my entire life. So mister, do you think that you can top that?” Without skipping a beat, the older man replies: [...]
A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a young girl coming down the street in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. She is wearing a fireman’s helmet and has the cart tied to both a dog and a cat. Playing the part, the fireman walks over to take a closer look. “That’s a lovely fire engine,” he says admiringly. “Thank you sir,” replies the little girl. The fireman takes a closer look and happens to notice that the little girl has tied one of the cart’s strings to the dog’s collar and the other to the cat’s testicles. “Little colleague,” says the fireman, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.” The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman’s eyes and says, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren, now would I?”
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and before long, put it into action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. Turning towards the blonde, she asked, “Now, do you remember what the plan is?” The blonde sighed and replied, “Yeah, yeah, I remember.”, but just to be safe, the brunette went over the plan in detail one last time, stressing that the blonde needed to be in and out in no more than five minutes. So with everything set, the blonde made her move. It was a nervous wait for the brunette, but after what seemed an eternity, the blonde came bursting out of the bank’s doors, the alarms sounding loudly, and with a safe tied with a rope being dragged along behind her. This was followed by a security guard rushing out of the bank, pants around his ankles and desperately trying to reach for his gun. Failing to stuff the tied up safe in the car, the blonde eventually had to just drop it and jumped into the passenger seat, allow the brunette to speed off into the safety of the dark night. Turning towards the blonde, the seething brunette could barely contain her anger: “YOU IDIOT!! You were supposed to tie up the guard and blow the safe!!”
There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townsfolk – the ghost which haunted there was feared by all. However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost “I mean no harm – I just want your photograph”. Much to his surprise, the ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines – so much so that he posed for a number of ghostly shots. The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed. As it turned out, the spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. “Your workers, they’re escaping!” cries the visitor. “You’ve got to stop them!” “Don’t worry, they’ll be back,” says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o’clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, “Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?” “Forget the machines,” says the visitor. “How much do you want for that whistle?”
Craig Lotter is an established web developer and application programmer, with strong creative urges (which keep bursting out at the most inopportune moments) and a seemingly insatiable need to love all things animated. Living in the beautiful coastal town of Gordon's Bay in South Africa, he games, develops, takes in animated fare, trains under whichever martial arts dojo is closest at the time, and for the most part, simply enjoys life with his amazing wife and daughter.
Oh, and he draws ever now and then too.
This is a collection of things that he has managed to find the time to scribble down since 2007.
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