Tag Archives: paddy

Joke Factory: The Drunk, the mirror, the plasters Jokes & other Funny Stuff 10 NOV 2012

David staggered home very late after another evening out with his drinking buddy, Paddy.

Taking off his shoes so as not to wake his wife, Dave tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump, breaking the remaining liquor bottles that he had brought with him in the process!

Managing not to yell, David sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding thanks to all the glass from the broken bottles. Managing to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids in the bathroom, he returned to the hall mirror and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could wherever he spotted blood.

Finally done, he then hid the now almost empty box and stumbled the rest of his way up to the room, slinking into the end of the bed without waking Kathy.

Come morning, David wakes up with a heavy head and a searing pain in his butt, and more disturbingly, a visibly annoyed Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

Not mincing her words, she said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”

To which Dave could only reply, ” Now why you say such a mean and untrue thing?”

“Well,” Kathleen said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly… it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!”

Joke Factory: Praying for a Parking Jokes & other Funny Stuff 21 SEP 2012

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.

Looking up towards heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!”

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one!”

Joke Factory: Licking Your Balls Jokes & other Funny Stuff 04 AUG 2012

Paddy and Mike were strolling down the street when they came upon a cat lying next to the road and licking his groin clean, as cats usually tend to do.

“Boy,” said Mike, “I sure wish that I could do that.”

Paddy replies, “Yup, wouldn’t mind that either, but I for one sure as heck wouldn’t try it!”

“Oh? Why not?” asked Mike.

“Well for one thing, I’m pretty sure he’ll scratch and bite!”

Joke Factory: How To Break Bad News Jokes & other Funny Stuff 30 SEP 2011

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses £250 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Eventually Michael looks around and asks, “Oh me boys, someone has to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?”

They draw straws. Paul picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, and most important of all, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

“Discreet!? I’m the most discreet Irishman you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”

So Paul goes over to Paddy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Paul promptly declares, “Your husband just lost £250, and is afraid to come home.”

“Tell him to drop dead!”, shouts Paddy’s wife.

“I’ll go tell him,” replied Paul with a smile.

Saturday Snigger: Finger Snack Anyone? Jokes & other Funny Stuff 23 OCT 2010

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. Needless to say, he made his way rather quickly to the Emergency Room at Cork Hospital.

The doctor took a quick looked at the stressed Paddy and said: “Right. Let’s be ‘avin’ da fingers and I’ll see what oi can do”.

Paddy replied, “Oi haven’t got da fingers.”

“Whadda ya mean you haven’t got da fingers? Begorrah mon , it’s 2010! We’s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn’t ya bring da fingers?!?”

To which Paddy responded, ‘Well how da fook was I s’pose to pick them up!?”