George is not having a good day on the golf course. None of his drives are going straight, his putting is horrendous, and to be honest, he just wasn’t being himself.
So the rest of his usual four-ball gathered around him and asked if something was up.
“It’s the wife,” said George. “As you all know, she’s taken up golf, and since she’s begun playing, she’s completely cut my sexy time down to only once a week!”
“That’s not so bad,” chirped up one of the guys from the four-ball. “Consider yourself lucky – she’s cut some of us out altogether!”
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and so made the tough decision to use a surrogate father to start their family, but that it would be done the good old fashioned way, with no test tubes or needles in sight.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife good-bye and said, “Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rung the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
“Good morning, Ma’am”, he said, “I’ve come to…”
“Oh, no need to explain,” Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed. “I’ve been expecting you.”
“Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?”
“Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!”
“Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot!” gasped Mrs. Smith.
“Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.”
“Don’t I know it,” said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus,” he said.
“Oh my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
“Yes”, the photographer replied, “and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.”
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um… equipment?”
“It’s true, Ma’am, yes. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.”
“Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand for very long.”
At this point she fainted.
Steve and Fiona were making passionate love in Steve’s Volkswagen Kombi van when suddenly Fiona, being a bit on the kinky side, yelled out “Oh you dirty boy, whip me, whip me!!”
Steve, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity and obviously not having any whips at hand, did however have a flash of inspiration – he opened the window, snapped the aerial off his van and proceeded to whip Fiona until they both collapsed in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, Fiona noticed that the marks left by the whipping session were starting to fester a bit, so she went to see the doctor. The doctor took one look at the wounds and asked, “Did you get these marks having sex??”
Fiona, embarrassed to own up to having kinky sex, eventually admitted that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor said, “I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring it’s the worse case of van aerial disease I’ve ever seen…”
[Explanatory note: Although I shouldn’t have to do this, in case you don’t get it, another term for sexually transmitted diseases is “venereal disease”. Now read through it again…]
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Emma, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Emma replied, “Well Herman, I have to be honest with you too dear. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”
Hurt by his wife’s sudden and unexpected confession, Herman managed to stay composed and said, “I never suspected a thing. Could you perhaps please tell me just what you mean by ‘good reason’?”
Emma said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Herman recalled the visit to the banker and said, “Oh. But I can forgive you for that my dear, after all, you saved our home. And the second time?”
Emma asked, “Do you remember when you were so sick and we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”
“I recall that,” replied Herman tearfully, “And again you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”
“All right,” Emma said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of the synagogue, and you needed 73 more votes to win?”
Frustrated, Juan went up to her one day and declared, “I’ll give you R300 if you will let me have sex with you…”
Quite taken aback, she immediately replied, “NO!”. But Juan wasn’t giving up that easily. “Look, I’ll be real fast. I’ll throw the money down on the floor, you bend down to pick it up, any by the time you come back up, I’ll be finished already.”
Beginning to now think about it, she decides to consult with her boyfriend over the phone. After hearing her story, the boyfriend pipes in with “Bargain! Ask for R450, and then pick up the money really fast. He shouldn’t even be able to get his pants down in that short space of time! Let me know how it goes.”
With that advice, she agrees and accepts the proposal, making Juan one happy, if a slightly poorer, man.
30 minutes go by, and the boyfriend still doesn’t hear anything from the girl. 45 minutes later, he calls her and asks what happened.
Still breathing hard, she manages to reply, “That bastard! All he had was R1 pieces!”
An absolute laugh, but definitely for adults only and definitely not for sensitive viewers!
Oruchuban Ebichu, or Ebichu Minds the House, is a 1999 24 piece anime from Makoto Moriwaki and GAINAX which revolves around the precocious Ebichu, a talking hamster who is utterly devoted to her oft-indifferent owner, known only as OL (short for Office Lady). Ebichu is tasked with the household duties, but also takes a keen interest in her master and her relationship with Worthless Man, particularly their sex life.
Completely without tact or propriety, Ebichu’s running commentary is often the cause of much embarrassment to OL, resulting in many bloody beatings for the always upbeat hamster.
The gags are all pretty adult in nature and there is a fair bit of sex in the anime, but it is all for good comedic effect and is bound to have you chuckling to yourself for the most part. Animation is extremely simple and deformed, but suits the over the top story absolutely perfectly. Likewise, the voice actors portraying Ebichu, OL and Worthless Man are all three spot on, making for a perfect anime package.
Worth a laugh, but definitely not something to watch with the kids.
After about 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, “Geez, I wish I had a torch with me!”
To which the lady quickly replied: “So do I! You’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”
So another funny from Monty, my perennial source of inbox giggles:
A psychologist was in the middle of a session with his patient when he asked the question: “When last have you looked your wife in the face during sex?”
The man quickly replied, “Only once that I can think of, but I must admit, she looked damn right angry and annoyed!”
“Oh, how so?” asked the psychologist.
“Well, she was peering in through the window at that point…”
Otakus have garnered a pretty bad reputation amongst more ‘normal’ members of society, being dismissed as overly obsessive, anime-worshipping, complete Japanophiles and generally being unable to act normally in society without shouting some weird and cutesy Japanese word every 10 minutes. It also stands to reason that these usually fairly geeky people also don’t have the greatest of social skills and in saying that, implying that these boys don’t get to see all that much ‘action’.
However, if that is the case, then I am completely and utterly baffled by this: the Gundam-branded line of condoms.