Steve and Fiona were making passionate love in Steve’s Volkswagen Kombi van when suddenly Fiona, being a bit on the kinky side, yelled out “Oh you dirty boy, whip me, whip me!!”
Steve, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity and obviously not having any whips at hand, did however have a flash of inspiration – he opened the window, snapped the aerial off his van and proceeded to whip Fiona until they both collapsed in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, Fiona noticed that the marks left by the whipping session were starting to fester a bit, so she went to see the doctor. The doctor took one look at the wounds and asked, “Did you get these marks having sex??”
Fiona, embarrassed to own up to having kinky sex, eventually admitted that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor said, “I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring it’s the worse case of van aerial disease I’ve ever seen…”
[Explanatory note: Although I shouldn’t have to do this, in case you don’t get it, another term for sexually transmitted diseases is “venereal disease”. Now read through it again…]
So this morning I waved goodbye to my steadfast friend and mover who served me so loyally for so many years already. I can’t quite remember just how long I’ve owned my 1997, 1.6 white Jetta 3, but it has been quite a couple of years and more importantly, a HELL of a lot of kilometers. She has taken me on many a journey, but eventually time started catching up with the old girl, and most devastating of all, the 100km+ I drive every day to work and back was really starting to eat at her.
Obviously I moved to replace her a couple of months ago already, buying my awesome little 1.4 midnight grey Hyundai Getz (aptly nicknamed Gina G.), but in the four months since I haven’t quite gotten around to advertising my beloved Jetta Jameson yet – until now that is.
After dutifully replying to each and every incoming call and message, I eventually gave up, asked Chantelle to instead set her phone’s alarms and so put my phone on silent and left it to stew out in the kitchen overnight.
But this wasn’t looking a gift horse in the mouth mind you – I had already set up a meeting in Westlake with the first caller that had contacted me, meaning that at 06:30 this morning I was in the Jetta, putting in petrol and on my way to the Steenberg Virgin Active where I had set up the meeting for. We both arrived at the meet up a little later than the scheduled time, but meet up we did, and with no further ado, young Mr. Noor Rawoot had a good look at the car, we took it out for a spin down the M3, haggled over the price a little, and returned to the Touchwork offices to sign all the necessary contracts (hey, I’ve got to protect myself a little) and finish the deal with a good old Internet Bank Transfer.
And that was that. The paperwork was signed, the keys were handed over, and a happy Mr. Rawoot and his wife took off in their new car, leaving me R17,000 richer and thus with half of my new home’s transfer fees already covered! :)
For the record, the phone calls, SMSes and emails didn’t stop coming for the rest of the day. Just as well I got Chantelle to log in to Gumtree and delete the advert for me – I would hate to know how many more enquiries I would have had to field!
So there you have it. Painless, hassle free, and very, very quick. And so far, so good. I haven’t heard anything from Noor yet, so I’ll assume he is happy with his purchase – and more importantly I’m happy Jetta Jameson can now faithfully go on to serve someone else for a change! :)
Please note that this item has since been sold and is no longer available for purchase.
For Sale: A white, 1997 Volkswagen Jetta Mark 3 – R17,500 (neg.)
Although she already has a good 241 250 km under her belt, this girl is still in good working condition with a sound, reliable engine, decent fuel economy, and available at an unbeatable price!
She comes armed with an alarm, immobiliser and central locking, possesses a good set of tyres, a full spare wheel in the boot, a completely overhauled clutch, replaced water pipes, all her original documentation, and finally, all major services taken care of.
There are of course some minor niggles that will need to be addressed by you at some point in time. First, she needs her front windshield replaced as that is currently cracked (vertical line, driver’s side). Next, there are a couple of rust spots that can be looked at and also, the air-conditioner is currently not working (though I suspect a re-gas might fix that). Finally, the radio face appears to have a loose connection, meaning that the radio doesn’t play at the moment.
The reason that I am selling my long-serving girl is because I recently got a pay increase at work, meaning that I bought a new car to replace her with. So, if you are interested in picking up a good family car for pretty cheap, feel free to contact me (Craig) on 0828521524 or at email@example.com.
My first every brand new car was a 1.4 Hyundai Getz, bought at Helderberg Hyundai in Somerset West.
Having dropped Chantelle off at work and taken the Getz through to work in order to make the interview we were conducting on the day, I was rather relieved to find the lifeless Jetta Jameson still standing untouched in the Steenberg Virgin Active parking lot on Tuesday morning.
Now we had originally bashed together a plan which would see Monty and Cheryl arrive in Westlake at 13:00, just after our scheduled interview (Touchwork is still hiring, just in case you haven’t submitted your CV yet!), which would mark me leaving work early and jumping in the Jetta so that Monty could tow her all the way back to Disa Auto Services in the Strand with the Tucson while Cheryl would be left in charge of bringing Chantelle’s Getz back to the pad at Gordon’s Bay. In hindsight probably not the best of plans to have come up with, but I guess it worked for us at the moment, despite the prospect of the 50 km tow back towards the Helderberg.
However, following the interview (which didn’t go all that great mind you), Rory provided me with a brilliant alternative to our shaky plan, prompting me to call off Monty (just in time) and cancel with Disa who I had already organised with to receive my clutchless baby.
Ian the mechanic is a man that Rory has been using for well over ten years now (and who is currently servicing almost the entire population of Spintelligent thanks to Rory’s referrals) and who just happens to run a repair shop out in Tokai, not all that far from Westlake Business Park.
Giving him a shout, Rory convinced Ian to come out to the office where he and I would go have a look at Jetta Jameson and determine whether or not the problem lay with a simple snapped clutch cable which could be fixed on the spot, or something more serious like the last time the clutch went on my girl, prompting the necessity for towing her into the shop.
A little later than scheduled, Ian and assistant in his bright red bakkie turned up and off we twaddled towards the gym, where on quick inspection it was revealed that what ailed Jetta Jameson was nothing more than a broken pin that handles the attaching of the cable to the clutch arm. However, don’t laugh with joy just yet I’m afraid.
Unfortunately for me, the Jetta is fitted with a self-adjusting retractable clutch cable, meaning that when the pin went, the clutch cable automatically retracted and adjusted itself to the new length, effectively rendering the cable useless and prompting its replacement. Sucky.
And while I could replace it with a grey product, Ian highly recommends against it as in his experience the after market parts are so inferior that in most of the cases you would be back within a month. So that means an original part then, no problem of course, but that particular bloody cable costs R900! Stupid broken little clamp type thingie…
Anyway, Ian and his assistant hooked up Jetta Jameson and towed her back to his shop while I returned to the office, squeezed in the last bit of work for the day and then took Green Getz home, pleased that the situation is now half way resolved and more importantly, the solution ended up not involving a 50 km towing ordeal!
(Plus, at least the R900 + the rest of the expenses has some sort of benefit – I get to work from home until I get the call from Ian to come and pick my baby up. That’s not too bad a deal my tired body in need of more sleep reckons…)
[End Part 2]
Oh noes, Jetta Jameson has gone and done it again. My lifelong partner has decided to once more say bye bye to her clutch and in doing so, leave me stranded all the way out in Westlake at the Steenberg Virgin Active parking lot. Sigh.
It all unfolded on Monday evening, after a late day at the office due to another job interview I was part of (Touchwork is hiring again in case you’re interested). Although already too late for karate practice, I was nevertheless keen to get home sooner than later in anticipation of a great meal prepared by Chantelle at the start of her healthy eating campaign, and after offering a lift to Dave whose car was funnily enough currently sitting in the shop, went to collect Jetta Jameson from the Virgin Active’s basement.
With bags all packed and ready for Dave, I eased Jetta up the ramp and as I turned up the last corner and started heading for daylight and those annoying access booms just up ahead, all of a sudden the clutch jumped inwards, propelled my foot forwards and yanked out a well-placed “fuck” from my mouth, all at the same time.
Luckily I was stuck in first and so continued my painful crawl up the ramp, with me leaning forward out of my open window frantically waving my access disc around in the hopes I could trigger the boom to lift before Jetta’s nose reached it. I did.
However, I wasn’t quite out of the woods yet. Now in a busy cul-de-sac with no where to pull to the side of the road, I opted to swing right, past an astonished and quite bewildered Dave, heading straight for Virgin Active’s outside parking, which yes, is also protected by a boom. This time my leaning out the window with the access disc didn’t quite work out and I was forced to shut her down just before she plowed into the boom, stopping literally just with a centimetre or two to spare!
I tentatively opened the boom and started her in first, where she jolted forward to life and edged through the boom, thankfully missing it on the way in. Now desperately scanning for an open space in what is quite frankly an almost always busy parking lot, I was rewarded with a huge stroke of luck as I spotted an open spot directly ahead of me, allowing me to guide Jetta safely home and put her to rest within its snuggly confines.
By this stage Dave was rather confused, and as I grabbed the valuables and my gym stuff out of the car, I explained to him the dilemma and as such, sent him on his way in search of train in order to make his own way home. I on the other hand grabbed my phone and phoned my lifeline, Chantelle, who just so happened to have gotten home minutes earlier, having just completed her epic grocery shopping trip.
Eager to help, we hatched up a rescue plan and happy in the knowledge that help was now on its way, I made my way back to the office to enjoy a nice cup of coffee and some toast with peanut butter on. Needless to say, this didn’t change the fact that I was still feeling quite grumpy. (Actually, grumpy is probably too nice a way of putting the mood I was in!)
Unfortunately for me though, in my infinite stupidity I had managed to slightly screw up the directions I had given Chantelle and after the allotted time had passed and she still hadn’t arrived, I realised my mistake and phoned her to find her well on her way all the way through to Wynberg. She wasn’t impressed, I was grumpy, and my repaired directions proved to be pretty inaccurate too, meaning that more than one phone call had to be directed between the two of us, with the end result of her only arriving at around 19:15 to pick a rather tired and stressed Craig, sitting all alone on the sidewalk, up.
The drive home back to Gordon’s Bay was a pretty silent affair, but we did at least manage to bash out a plan that involved Monty and Cheryl coming through to Westlake where Monty and I would tow the car back to Disa Auto Services in Strand while Cheryl would bring back Chantelle’s car which I would borrow after dropping her off at work on her split shift in the morning.
Still, this didn’t really improve my mood and as such our trip home took a slight detour as Chantelle treated me to a Spur burger to try and cheer me up.
Burger was good, but Castle draught was better. Mood not all that better, still grumpy, but at least all the relevant phone conversations and smses were handled.
Slept surprisingly well though…
[End Part 1]
Well, old Jetta Jameson has now proved that she really doesn’t like the rain, because eventually after completely drying off, she was once again up and at them, ready to hit the road – at a fairly noisy and bumpy pace I might note. So, if I can get the boss to agree, I’ll try and fit her in for a much needed service next week. *sigh*, I’m not sure just how much more battering my poor little wallet can take! (Seriously, this wedding and honeymoon needs to come and go again sooner than later – my poor bank account WANTS a breather from it all! :P)
Working from Mom’s place in Bellville proved to be a frustrating experience with no dedicated office space or hardline into the network, meaning that my laptop chugged along on its VERY unreliable wireless connection which in turn meant a very unproductive morning I’m afraid (the presence of Ryan and FIFA didn’t help either). Thankfully though, Jetta Jameson did eventually make herself drivable (as noted above) and without further ado, I packed up and headed back to my office in GB where I set about quickly catching up all the time I’d missed in term of work for the day. (Unfortunately of course, I did screw up a little and all the code changes I made were neatly overwritten by Steve who was transferring the SVN changes up just before he left. Needless to say, I can kick myself from not communicating what I was doing with him in the first place! Doh!)
Karate practice was good as always and I’ve really got the second kata down quite nicely now, finding myself often helping out Ian and James with some of the trickier parts, though the evening took a twist when we learned that there’s a possible Funakoshi split hanging about in the air. As it was, I ended up chatting with Sensei Birgitt and Sempai Gert for a good while after training and unfortunately for Chantelle’s sake, only got back at about 20:30 from the night’s session!
Suprisingly enough though, me the anti-pasta guy found the tagliateli meal that C had prepared for us rather palatable, and it complemented all the wine I was drinking perfectly! :)
Unfortunately that did have the impact of us not getting nearly all the wedding stationery stuff doen that we had wanted to, meaning that tonight I’m going to forgo my only chilled evening of the week and instead drive through to GB after work to get cracking on getting the wedding programme composition and seating lists printing all in order.
So busy, busy, busy as per usual in the life of Craig! :P
Ag no man. I was so positive for a good start to this week (as indicated by the earlier post that was typed up on Sunday evening I might add). I’ve gotten enough rest, enough relaxation and am raring to go and handle a critical live system upload, the first for our newly adopted weekly release cycle strategy. And what goes and happens?
The floodgates open here in the Western Cape overnight, Bellville is drenched in rainwater and my beloved Jetta Jameson barely makes it onto the N1 via the Old Oak on-ramp before dying an ungraceful death and leaving me stranded with my hazards on as rush hour traffic streams past alongside me.
I wait for an eternity and after what seems to be a million attempts, I eventually manage to get her started and chug along in the emergency lane down towards the Durbanville offramp, but not more than a hundred meters or so, I break down again and the waiting starts all over again. Eventually I do get her started again, and instead of playing hero and attempting to drive all the way through to Westlake, I decide to take the Durbanville offramp and attempt to limp back home instead, and as it is, this turns out to be the correct decision because just before I manage to coax the injured Jetta back to Oakglen, she dies on me once again and once more I have to patiently sit and tap my fingers, waiting for the opportunity to try and bring her back to life.
Back home, wet and annoyed, I lay down my stuff and grab the laptop – guess it’s work from home time after all for today! :( (Sorry boss!)
Hopefully when things dry out she’ll start running fine again, and at the moment I can’t figure out exactly what the problem is, the only lead being something that Monty suggested might be the problem the last time it happened, back when I got stuck in Muizenburg on a wet, dark weekday morning. In any event, so far it seems only rain initiated, but that doesn’t help me all that much if it decides to continue to rain here in the Cape for the foreseeable future.
So where does this leave me then? Well I guess the decision to purchase a new car sooner than later has now been forced upon me after all. Hopefully a nice wage increase at the end of the year is in order? O.o
And when I said fatter wallet, it would seem I meant it. Just got a phone call from the mechanic who listed everything that needs to be done to the car. It’s a major service and there are a couple of major things that need to be done…
…to the tune of just over R10 000.
This month just went down the crapper :(