AVOID. LIKE. THE. PLAGUE. Seriously, I cannot believe that such a shite movie managed to get released on the big screen. Make no mistake, you do get some really entertaining locally produced, comedic Afrikaans movies (Bakgat immediately springs to mind), but Karate Kallie is certainly not one of these.

There is little to say about the movie in fact. Bad acting, weak story, horribly diluted jokes and quite simply crappy music, the whole movie is an exercise in even lower than mediocrity. It’s stupid, plain and simple, and if you are going to waste your money on it then you are in fact an idiot. (a category which Chantelle and I now technically fall under I suppose!)

Of course, in the interest of being fair, I will of course give you a quick synopsis and actors list, just because I can: (Note, because I couldn’t be bothered, this is a direct cut and paste from the official site!)

“Being the new kid at school? Well it can be difficult to fit in – especially if it is clear you probably didn’t fit in at your previous school either. Add a rather odd psychotic bully and your prospects become more than frightening. And that’s what faces Kallie, our already well-known (and slightly overweight) hero who now returned to make his first ever appearance on the big screen.

The story remains that love is neither discreet nor sensible and Kallie stands at its mercy. He did not choose to fall in love with the school bully’s sister, but he soon realises that only a direct confrontation with his antagonist will allow him a chance at true love. He is, as always, assisted in his valiant effort by his brother, Kung Fu aficionado and tow-truck extraordinaire, Mike, as well as by the newly befriended and (equally) socially debilitated, Airhole.

Mike is set on turning Kallie into a lethal human killing machine and although his efforts are ill-conceived and nothing short of being insane, his persistence and affection remain quite admirable. And mother supports him in this.

Quicker than you can say ‘tae-kwon-do’ the fight is on and the comedy starts. Will Kallie succeed in winning Annetjie’s heart whilst simultaneously defeating true evil (or at least a shorter version thereof)? Strap into your seats as it will involve high speed tow-truck chases, a confrontation with a genuine real-life ninja (as well as a number of fake ones), Kung Fu training that involves an enormous amount of bubble wrap, a talent show…and one rather large catfish.

And who said romance is dead…?”

Directed by Wimpie van der Merwe and starring Wynand van Vollenstee, Mike Smuts, Petrus Harmse, Leani Lerm, Solomon Cupido and Marga van Rooy. Oh, and Soon Pretorius, Karate Academy South Africa head instructor, has a role too.

And here’s the poster just in case you were wondering: (Actually, I like the poster. That’s at least nicely done…)

Karate Kallie Poster

There. You are now enlightened on what not to watch at the movies.