An elderly lady, an attractive big boobed blonde, a noisy American and a Canadian guy were all seated on a train passing through a particularly mountainous area. As they passed through a pitch black tunnel, a loud *SLAP* broke the silence, and as the train emerged from the tunnel and into the light, there sat the American with a bright red hand print across the side of his face.
The old lady chuckled and thought to herself, “That noisy guy probably grabbed the blonde’s breast and she slapped him!”
The blonde thought to herself, “Ha, that guy probably tried to grab my breast, missed, and then caught the old lady’s breast by mistake. Wow, she really gave him a good wallop!”
The America thinks, “Geez, that Canadian probably tried to grab the blonde’s breast, she missed slapping him, and caught me instead!”
The Canadian guy sits there with a smile on his face, “Man, I can’t wait until another tunnel so that I can slap the crap out of this American again!”
From the lounge, he calls out, “Well, what is it supposed to be when it’s finished then?”
The blonde replies, “According to the image on the box, it’s a picture of a tiger.”
Intrigued, her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. Welcoming him in, she shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the kitchen table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…” he sighed, “we’ll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she is in dire financial straits. She is so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray: “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please, please let me win the Lotto.”
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. Again she prays: “God, please, please let me win the Lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m about to lose my car as well.”
Lotto night comes and still no big win for her. Once again, down on her knees, she prays: “My God, why have You forsaken me so? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order.”
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself:
“Sweetheart, work with Me on this… Buy a ticket!”
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and before long, put it into action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. Turning towards the blonde, she asked, “Now, do you remember what the plan is?”
The blonde sighed and replied, “Yeah, yeah, I remember.”, but just to be safe, the brunette went over the plan in detail one last time, stressing that the blonde needed to be in and out in no more than five minutes.
So with everything set, the blonde made her move.
It was a nervous wait for the brunette, but after what seemed an eternity, the blonde came bursting out of the bank’s doors, the alarms sounding loudly, and with a safe tied with a rope being dragged along behind her.
This was followed by a security guard rushing out of the bank, pants around his ankles and desperately trying to reach for his gun.
Failing to stuff the tied up safe in the car, the blonde eventually had to just drop it and jumped into the passenger seat, allow the brunette to speed off into the safety of the dark night.
Turning towards the blonde, the seething brunette could barely contain her anger: “YOU IDIOT!! You were supposed to tie up the guard and blow the safe!!”
She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the inexperienced blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the horse’s side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground, over and over again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune… Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say Hello.
The redhead says, “when we conceived, my husband was on top, so we’re going to have a little girl.”
The brunette says, “when we conceived I was on top so I’m going to have a little boy.”
The blonde thought for a second and then broke out into tears.
“Oh no… then I’m having puppies!”
Finding his way to a barstool, he sits down and orders a beer. A couple of minutes later, he yells out to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to the old cowboy turns and says to him, “Before you tell that joke cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things.”
“First, the bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. Two, the bouncer is a blonde girl. Three, the lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Four, the lady sitting next to me is blonde and happens to be a professional weightlifter. Lastly, I am 6-foot tall, weigh 175 pounds, have a black belt in karate, and am also blonde.”
“In other words, I suggest you think carefully as to whether or not you still want to tell your little blonde joke.”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
A traffic cop waiting alongside a stretch of open highway recoiled in surprise as a bright red corvette shot past him like a bat out of hell. Calling in to his colleague stationed higher up on the highway, he asked if he had perhaps picked up on this racing speedster earlier.
“Blonde, red corvette?”, his colleague replied.
“Yup, that’s the one. She just passed me travelling at one hell of a speed”.
“Ah yes, I pulled her over just a little while ago. Here’s the thing though. When you catch up to her and get her to pull over to the side of the road, instruct her to get out of her car and get on her knees and closer her eyes. Then unzip your pants”.
Confused, but slightly amused, the traffic officer raced after the corvette and eventually successfully flagged it down.
As the pretty blonde woman got out of the car, sat on her knees, closed her eyes and then heard the sound of a zipper, she exclaimed:
“Ag nee man, not another breathalyzer test!”
A blonde and a brunette were in an elevator with a well-dressed businessman. Standing behind him, they both noticed that he had some dandruff on his collar, but were far too nice to say anything directly to him about it.
Once he finally got out two floors later, the brunette turned and said, “Wow, somebody should really give that man some Head & Shoulders.”
Confused, the blonde replied, “How do you give shoulders?”