A doctor was addressing a large audience in Cape Town:
“The choice of food that we put into our stomachs these days is sometimes quite literally enough to us given enough time”.
“Red meat is awful, soft drinks corrode your stomach lining, Chinese food is loaded with MSG, high fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our very drinking water. ”
“However, above all this, there is still one food choice that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it.”
Pausing for effect, the doctor continued with, “So, does anyone have an idea as to what this food choice is that can cause so much grief and suffering over such an extended period of time after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a wrinkled 75-year-old man in the front row slowly raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding cake.”
The House of C 024: Dealing with Arseholes The House of C 21 MAR 2012
It’s a shitty job, and you’ll probably end up the butt of all your friends’ jokes, but hey, work is work – and besides, someone has to do it.
To be honest, I was a bit torn whether to go with asshole or arsehole on this one. In the end I stuck with the classier of the two!
And Doris. The perfect doctor’s secretary name in my opinion. All of which reminds me of a joke I stumbled across on Reddit this week:
A guy walked into the doctor’s office complaining about pain in his genital region. The doctor asked him to remove his pants and was amazed to find this man had 5 penises, all in working order! “My goodness,” exclaimed the doctor. “How on earth does a condom fit over that mess?”
“Like a glove doctor, like a glove.”
Joke Factory: Not Your Standard STD Jokes & other Funny Stuff 29 FEB 2012
Steve and Fiona were making passionate love in Steve’s Volkswagen Kombi van when suddenly Fiona, being a bit on the kinky side, yelled out “Oh you dirty boy, whip me, whip me!!”
Steve, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity and obviously not having any whips at hand, did however have a flash of inspiration – he opened the window, snapped the aerial off his van and proceeded to whip Fiona until they both collapsed in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, Fiona noticed that the marks left by the whipping session were starting to fester a bit, so she went to see the doctor. The doctor took one look at the wounds and asked, “Did you get these marks having sex??”
Fiona, embarrassed to own up to having kinky sex, eventually admitted that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor said, “I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring it’s the worse case of van aerial disease I’ve ever seen…”
[Explanatory note: Although I shouldn’t have to do this, in case you don’t get it, another term for sexually transmitted diseases is “venereal disease”. Now read through it again…]
Joke Factory: The Rectal Thermometer and the Pen Jokes & other Funny Stuff 14 OCT 2011
A doctor stepped into a bank.
As he prepared to sign off a cheque, he pulled out a rectal thermometer from his pocket and attempted to write with it.
Quickly realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer in annoyance and muttered out aloud, “Well that’s just great. Some asshole’s got my pen…”
Joke Factory: The Quick Retort Jokes & other Funny Stuff 29 JUL 2011
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients and as he approached the receptionist’s desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a rather large, unfriendly woman who looked far too much like a Sumo wrestler for his liking.
Arriving at her desk, he gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, “NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
(Though if you think about it, I’m not so sure that his witty retort actually helps him out of his embarrassing situation at all, come to think of it!)
Infant Ill Jessica | My Life 25 MAY 2011
Shame, so little Jessica is sick for the first real time in her life, with a good and proper ear, nose and throat infection. She started showing symptoms on Monday, and although our own thermometers didn’t indicate a fever (which have now shown to be rather inaccurate and thus actually quite useless), our little darling was wheezing away, exhibiting shallow breathing, being very congested, releasing lots of yellow snot (the colour is what makes it an indication of sickness by the way) and of course just being in lots and lots of discomfort with the heart-breaking big crocodile tears.
She didn’t have a great night’s worth of sleep and so on Tuesday Chantelle took her to the doctor, a mission in itself because all of the local doctors and paediatricians were fully booked (you can definitely see that Winter is here), and so on the advice of Ingrid, she went and plonked herself down at a certain Doctor Wade’s offices where she was eventually squeezed in when a little gap opened up between patients. The doctor confirmed the infection and wants to start Jessie on a ten day course of antibiotics.
Only one small problem though.
Jessica is due her May Synergist shot at the end of the week, and as such, until we get confirmation from Dr. Edson, we can’t risk giving her antibiotics which may prevent her from getting the all important Synergist in the first place – meaning that for the moment, we can’t medicate our suffering little one.
Shame, but she is struggling through it like a good little soldier, tears and sneezes and all, and of course as Mommy and Daddy, Chantelle and I are showering her with plenty of love, hugs and kisses, in the hopes that she gets through this as quickly and painlessly as possible! jessica lotter, baby, infection, sick, doctor, antibiotics, ear infection, nose infection, throat infection
Sigh, it really isn’t pleasant to see your child suffering so, especially when she can’t tell you just how sore she is, other than by crying her little lungs out! :(
(Update: We finally got the necessary feedback from The Stork’s Nest – perfectly fine to give her antibiotics as it shouldn’t interfere with the Synergist injection. Thank goodness for that!)
Joke Factory: The Doctor needs a Sample Jokes & other Funny Stuff 06 MAY 2011
An elderly gentleman goes in for his annual check-up. The doctor finishes his examination and then beckons to the old man to join his wife who had accompanied him, back at his desk.
Sitting down, the doctor says, “So far everything looks fine. But I will need you to come back tomorrow with a urine sample, a poo sample and a sperm sample for me to run some further tests”.
The old man didn’t quite catch all of that, so he nudges his wife for the repeat.
The wife looks at her husband and says loudly to the doctor, “Don’t worry doctor, you will have them tomorrow.”
The old man looks quizzically as his wife, his unasked question still not answered.
Sensing this, the wife prompts in a loud voice, “He said, he wants me to bring a pair of your underpants in for him…”
Craig Goes to the Doctor My Life 08 OCT 2010
I don’t do doctors. Much to Chantelle’s chagrin of course. I really only drag myself there if I absolutely, absolutely have to – and even then that seldom happens! Of course this does mean that I don’t yet have a house doctor here in Gordon’s Bay, despite having lived in the town for almost two years now!
This dilemma has now however been solved for me – and I wasn’t even sick.
Now that I have a house in my name, the bank kind of feels rather insecure should something rather unforseen happen to poor old me, and so they kindly requested that I take out some form of life insurance. Of course, I could flat out refuse, but seeing as they were so nice as to loan me all that money and because one has to now think of one’s unborn child and wife should something terrible happen, I agreed to their request and set off for a couple of consultations with the ABSA-appointed financial advisor, Pierre Fouche.
I struck it off with Pierre and like the man despite the fact he is trying to get me to part with my money and so we initially tried to apply for a life insurance scheme from the professionals only PPS. Unfortunately for me though, they obviously don’t believe a Bachelor of Business Science (Computer Science) degree is professional enough (plus the fact that my BMI is quite far above their liking).
So next on the list of possibles is a Cobalt plan from Sanlam, a company for which my father devoted many years of his life to and one to which I don’t really harbour any hard feelings towards, even if they haven’t delivered a good television advert in absolute ages now.
But they need something from me in order to consider signing me up. A medical check-up conducted by a real doctor.
Fantastic.
So I asked about and Doctor Smit’s name kept on coming up favourably in terms of good doctor practices here in Gordon’s Bay. Of course I should have considered him right from the start based on the fact that I currently train in the Funakoshi karate style under him and his wife, Sensei Birgitt, but wanting to keep the two separate I wasn’t really convinced.
But my hand now forced, I needed to put someone’s name down on the forms and so I put down Doctor Gert Smit.
Monday was the big day and while I was expecting something, well I guess more big, it turned out that the medical really is as simple as having your height taken, a couple of measurements about the waist, some breathing in and out, the obligatory blood pressure test, the drawing of some blood to be sent off to the pathologist, and of course the great big pee in a cup even if you don’t want to test.
In other words, it wasn’t painful, it was over pretty quick (apart from the initial wait for Doctor Gert because he was running late) and I didn’t actually learn anything new about my current state of health – something I always dread when going to the doctor.
But as per usual there was a lot of paperwork to be filled out and signed upon. Not that I’m moaning of course. Looking forward to hearing whether or not Sanlam will take me under their wing, thus getting ABSA off my back about the whole life insurance thing, and more importantly, it turns out that in the process I’ve discovered a pretty damn awesome doctor, one who the Lotter family will definitely be making their home GP! :)
Sample Please My Life 24 MAR 2008
I despise going to the doctor or hospital, simple as that. I always leave it right until I am half dead and absolutely have to go, and then usually only at the bequest of my loved ones. So, as my sickness took hold last week and gripped me tightly, it was no surprise that I managed to piss Chantelle completely off by not going to see a doctor. Of course, I couldn’t leave her upset with me, so to make her happy I found myself in the waiting room of the Tygervalley Intercare Medi-clinic last Thursday afternoon, patiently paging through a copy of Runner’s World, Top Billing and Marie Claire. Yes, as always, it was a looooong wait – and I didn’t help things by just rocking up without an appointment either!
As it was, I was lucky enough to get a spot with doctor Wolvaardt (who I funnily enough have been to once or twice in the last couple of years) so after a bit of a wait I was ushered into his office, only to recoil in horror when he faced me looking like a half rotting zombie monster. Jokingly, he explained to me that he had come off his bicycle during a training ride last week, hence the rearranged facial tissue!
So I sat down, did the small talk thing by admiring his photo detailing his ascent of Mt. Kilimanjaro and his Carol Boyes inbox before getting down to business and explaining my symptoms to him. His initial response did not exactly invoke a sense of confidence in me as he immediately whisked me out to a different room explaining that it could be jaundice and that they would need a urine sample from me just to check. Damn. I haven’t done one of those in years.
I must say, I was thoroughly impressed by the advances in the technology behind urine sample collection. I remember (not fondly) those tiny little plastic cups they used to hand you that were always too small and always caused you to splash all over the place but never in the damn container. Nowadays you get a large funnel shaped glass which is large enough to hold the largest of samples and designed in a way that you really have to be an idiot not to get it right the first time. Thoroughly impressive :)
As it was, the results take less than a couple of seconds to retrieve and much to my relief, it showed up all good for me. The rest of the tests were fairly simple and in the end the doctor diagnosed me with a simple viral infection, hence the constantly changing symptoms. As a little extra, he also checked out my blood sugar level, which yielded a satisfactory result so that I could finally get back to Chantelle and reaffirm with her that there is no problem on that front either.
So after a lengthy examination, I got booked off, given a prescription for some medicine and sent on my way… just in time to waste away my long weekend in bed! :(
Not that I did of course ;)