An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.
“Your workers, they’re escaping!” cries the visitor. “You’ve got to stop them!”
“Don’t worry, they’ll be back,” says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o’clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, “Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?”
“Forget the machines,” says the visitor. “How much do you want for that whistle?”
Steve and Fiona were making passionate love in Steve’s Volkswagen Kombi van when suddenly Fiona, being a bit on the kinky side, yelled out “Oh you dirty boy, whip me, whip me!!”
Steve, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity and obviously not having any whips at hand, did however have a flash of inspiration – he opened the window, snapped the aerial off his van and proceeded to whip Fiona until they both collapsed in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, Fiona noticed that the marks left by the whipping session were starting to fester a bit, so she went to see the doctor. The doctor took one look at the wounds and asked, “Did you get these marks having sex??”
Fiona, embarrassed to own up to having kinky sex, eventually admitted that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor said, “I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring it’s the worse case of van aerial disease I’ve ever seen…”
[Explanatory note: Although I shouldn’t have to do this, in case you don’t get it, another term for sexually transmitted diseases is “venereal disease”. Now read through it again…]
Not recognising her even in the slightest, he turned back at her and gave her the old “who are you?” slightly confused look.
Noticing his puzzlement, the woman apologized, saying that when she had first seen him, he had looked like the father of one of her children, and with that, she walked out of the store.
Dumbfounded at this rather peculiar display, the guy couldn’t help but mutter to himself, “What the heck is this the world coming to? Such an attractive young woman unable to keep track of who the fathers of her very own children are!”
Then a far more disturbing thought hit him like a freight train. He doesn’t remember her now, but MAYBE, just maybe, during one of those wild parties back when he was still in college…
Rushing out of the store, he caught up to her in the parking lot, grabbed her by the shoulder and spun her around, asking in a very earnest voice, and with very big eyes, “I’m sorry, but are you perhaps that girl I met back at a party when we were still in college, the one where we got really, really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?”
“No”, she replied, a horrified look spreading across her face. “I’m your son’s second grade teacher!”
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Emma, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Emma replied, “Well Herman, I have to be honest with you too dear. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”
Hurt by his wife’s sudden and unexpected confession, Herman managed to stay composed and said, “I never suspected a thing. Could you perhaps please tell me just what you mean by ‘good reason’?”
Emma said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Herman recalled the visit to the banker and said, “Oh. But I can forgive you for that my dear, after all, you saved our home. And the second time?”
Emma asked, “Do you remember when you were so sick and we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”
“I recall that,” replied Herman tearfully, “And again you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”
“All right,” Emma said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of the synagogue, and you needed 73 more votes to win?”
Wondering just how many sheep he currently has grazing in his field, the farmer asks his sheepdog to go out and count them.
The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.
“So,” asks the farmer, “How many sheep are there?”
“40,” replies the dog.
“What? How can there be 40?!” exclaims the farmer. “I only bought 38!”
“I know,” says the dog. “But I rounded them up.”
A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his varied purchases and exclaims, “Damn it, I WALKED here. How in the world am I going carry all of this home?!?”
The livestock dealer replied, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Hey, thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went.
As he was walking down the road towards his home, he meets a little old lady who tells him that she is lost. She asks, “Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?”
The farmer thinks for a bit and says, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
To this the little old lady replied, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”
The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?!?”
“Well, you could set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket… and I’ll hold the chickens.”
I love this one, though I’m pretty sure that at least 75% of bars throughout the world feature a tip jar with this exact message on it. Of course, 82% of all statistics are made up on the spot you know…
Bill takes a young lady, Kelly, on a date. It is their first date, and so in order to do something a little different from the usual fancy restaurant gig, he decides to take her to the carnival which happens to be in town for the night.
After having arrived and strolled around for a bit, Bill asks Kelly what she would like to do, upon which she replies, “I want to get weighed.”
A bit confused, but in a “oh what the heck” mood, Bill takes her to the weighing station, where the guesser manages to correctly guess her weight third time around.
Having lost his money to the correct guess, Bill then asks Kelly, “What would you like todo next?”, to which Kelly replies, “I want to get weighed.”
Now mightily confused (and a little bit annoyed), Bill fakes a headache/stomach cramp/whatever will get him out of this date, cuts his losses and takes Kelly home, before heading back out into the night.
As Kelly walks in through the front door, her roommate Laura, who is sitting in the living room, calls out, “Hey you, so how was your date?”
On the point of tears, Kelly bursts out, “Oh Wauwa, it was wousy!”
I won’t lie, I was guffawing out aloud when I first encountered the Robert De Niro, Robert De Faro joke, and quite frankly immediately ran off in search of Chantelle in order to share it with her. This must be why she loves me so.