I am currently pondering a slight ponder at the moment. August the 15th used to be a fairly important date in my old relationship, primarily because it is Lizs birthday. I haven’t thought about my ex in absolute ages, but because this date has been so drilled into my head, it is still going to take a little time for it to slip out (even if I clean my ears out very often). The thing is, it is her 21st this year, a pretty major event in anyones life.
Although I always pushed for a complete break and have avoided making contact with her completely in the three or four months since the split, I kind of feel that it would be impolite not to at least wish her for her birthday. Its not as if I’m harbouring ill intent or bad feelings towards her anymore to be honest she doesnt even cross my mind at all. I’ve asked Chantelle what she thinks about the matter, and she thinks that it would be the right thing for me to do.
Well, I’ve always prided myself on trying to do the right thing (well, most of the times), so I guess I’m going to go ahead and sms her then.
I’m hoping this doesnt backfire on me, but at least I’ll feel better knowing that I did the civil thing in the end.
Edit: just realised that my good intentions might not actually pan out after all – can’t quite remember her number any more :)
Edit #2: appears I did indeed get the number right as she thanked me for the birthday wishes. Small memory ego boost for me – numbers are usually not my thing: just ask my brother whose birthday I only know to be either 22 or 27 of January. Or Merkaba’s that is sometime towards the end of December. Shameful I know!
Interesting SMS conversation I had with my ex a moment ago. It goes something like this: (Note that this is after I assumed we have already finalised the break-up. I haven’t talked to her in ages and things have all settled down nicely already – well at least I know that I’ve closed the book on her and moved on with my life already. Oh well, guess she was just biding her time to do the same :P)
Hi Craig. How are you? What have u been up to lately? How’s the dating going? Liz
To which I dutifully replied, answering all her questions. Ended it off by asking if she was going to karate practice tonight (She and I train under the same sensei at the same club). To which she replied:
Dating is going very well. I’m seeing someone at the moment and I’m loving every moment of it. I really like this guy. He could very well be the one. I actually just wanted to let you know that I won’t be waiting for you anymore. I’ve moved on. Also I can’t really contact or see you much anymore for obvious reasons. I won’t be coming back to karate. I just can’t. Going to focus on my rugby now. Enjoy your day and I hope things work out for you in the end.
To which I dutifully wished her well for the rest of her life.
I must admit to being a little amused by what she said, particularly the ‘wanted to let you know that I won’t be waiting for you anymore’ bit. I’m not sure she quite understood the fact that I dumped her for being unfaithful to me. – There really wasn’t any expectation from me for her to be waiting for me O.o? Actually, I have no idea what the heck she was waiting for me to do in any event :)
Oh well, at least with her dropping karate entirely means I can finally say that this chapter of my life is now all neatly wrapped up and disposed of.
And it means the not entirely true reflections of my feelings post {0031} no longer stands either :)
Whew, the tough entry for today. So my ex phoned me up late last night to chat the result: loss of much needed sleep due to an overactive brain.
So first things first: why exactly am I posting the results of my thoughts here? Easy enough:
a) I can sometime express myself more clearly in writing than what I can using spoken words. b) I know she reads this page :)
The question is: should I forgive and forget and take her back in a relationship like it was?
The answer: well its a little complicated. So here goes:
I believe that any real relationship has the essential cornerstones of mutual respect and trust built into it by default. These two qualities are exceedingly important and without them I feel a relationship would be little more than a sham a show put on just for the hell of it.
Now if I look at my situation, yes given time, I can forgive and forget my exs brief infidelity (as long as I don’t run into the guy again, because hell probably wish he was never born) and probably take her back just like that. But the problem is I’m afraid that the respect and trust that once was there between us has now eroded to little more than dust and so I can truthfully say it would be a relationship built on a sandy beach, just waiting for the first wave to come and wash it away.
Can these two things be rebuilt again? Probably yes, given enough time. The thing is, thats exactly where the problem lies, doesnt it? Time moves along, it waits for no one. What if the time taken for these things to heal and rebuild is simply too long to wait? Is it worth the time and effort?
Unfortunately, thats where my dilemma likes: I do genuinely care for and love this girl and would want it to work So I am willing to wait, but at what cost to my own life? What newly-opened opportunities could I be missing out on?
And then there are the other things to take into account. I’ve told everyone that I’ve dumped her because she cheated on me – a fairly natural thing to do as far as I am concerned. Shed have to live with this fact and face these people once more, not knowing what they now think of her. And make no mistake, I would expect it of her. I refuse to throw any part of my life away or to desperately try and cover up for her and her actions and mistakes. There are consequences for every action in this world, and a person has to accept them, like it or not.
So the way forward? Well I propose the lets just be friends adage for now. Perhaps it grows into something like it used to, perhaps it doesnt. I think that this might be my final gesture of goodwill towards her though. She can take it or leave it, but for now I can think of no better way to go forward. I wont jump head first into an empty relationship right now, but who knows, a decent friendship might just blossom into something meaningful once more. Ill just have to wait and see.
[PS: You can rest assured that this entry will more than likely be ‘removed upon request’ shortly :)]
Wednesday night was fun. Liz’s friend was celebrating her 21st and we were invited to the big celebration. A rented school hall, great food, decent music, and most importantly lots of booze meant a very good night out indeed. Event started at 20.00 and I dropped off Liz at res around 04:30 the morning. (Needless to say I overslept and went to work late with a very fuzzy brain the next morning.)
Now because Liz is in Stellenbosch which is primarily Afrikaans in terms of student life and the fact that she herself is Afrikaans has meant that I’ve had to adapt to fit in half-decently. Though my accent is atrocious and most people resolve to talk in English to me for some strange reason even when that obviously isn’t the best choice for them, I’ve quickly become part of the group which is a pretty nice thing. I langarm dans (though not very well according to Liz and myself, but the other girls don’t complain – maybe they’re just being nice), I drink brandy and coke and I throw in some decent Afrikaans swear words. Seems that this is all that’s needed to join the boere society :)
Nevertheless it was a great evening out, even if my boss now wants a 1000 word essay from me to explain my tardiness yesterday morning. (I don’t think he’s serious though)
Oh, and I managed to scratch the left bottom of my front bumper thanks to the roadworks on Bottelary road on the way back that night :(
