It’s a well known fact that the reason we are forced to put nappies on babies’ bums is because if we don’t, well then they tend to mess up all the floors with all manner of wet and sticky deposits.
Sadly, this fun fact is something that slipped Chantelle’s mind on Wednesday morning, as I am now about to elucidate.
After a long and good night’s sleep, Emily at last woke up, ready for a brand new day. Of course, she first needed to cry out in order to summon us, and on this fateful morning, Chantelle heeded that call. Picking Emily up out of the cot, Chantelle could smell a stinky poo had already previously erupted, and as such it was straight out of the cot and up onto the changing mat.
In the blink of an eye, the nappy was off, the icky sticky deposits wiped off, and the fanny gleaming with its new found wet wipe cleanliness.
However, it was exactly at this point that Chantelle made her mistake. Thinking it an excellent idea that Emily get some fresh air on her nether regions – you know, to allow everything to breathe – she opted not to immediately put a nappy on and instead placed Emily down on the carpet, confident in the fact that based on the nappy she had just taken off, no bodily functions would be erupting any time soon.
Of course, about 30 seconds later there was a light puddle on the carpet.
Gah.
In one swift motion Chantelle promptly swore, picked up Emily, and deposited her in the lounge on the tiles by the TV, in order to start the carpet mop up operation.
At last, with the carpet saved, Chantelle triumphantly emerged from Emily’s room, only to look down in horror and find Emily standing above another yellow wet spot – and a pile of freshly squeezed poo.
What a wonderfully entertaining start to the morning for me and Jessica I tell you…
Okay, so I just learned something new to me – which would have been handy to know four years ago! If you’ve had a baby in your life before, then undoubtedly you’ll be familiar with the plain old baby vest. Pretty much all babies wear these under their clothes, and goodness knows, I’ve been through more than just a few with both Jessica and Emily.
And then yesterday Chantelle went and dropped a bombshell on me. You know those intricate, funny shoulder designs that all baby vests feature? Do you know what that’s for? (Apart from the obvious of allowing it to easily slip over a baby’s massive head…)
Well neither Chantelle nor I did until now. It turns out that the design is such to allow for folding everything downwards, meaning that you can simply roll the sleeves down over the shoulders and tummy, allowing you to pull the vest off as if it was a pair of pants. In other words, extremely useful in those instances when you want to avoid lifting the vest up over your baby’s head!
Oh My God.
The number of yellow poo stained vests that I unnecessarily pulled over my squirming soiled child’s head now truly frightens me.
Sorry Jessica and Emily. I would seem that I did you both a disservice as a baby.
An elderly gentleman goes in for his annual check-up. The doctor finishes his examination and then beckons to the old man to join his wife who had accompanied him, back at his desk.
Sitting down, the doctor says, “So far everything looks fine. But I will need you to come back tomorrow with a urine sample, a poo sample and a sperm sample for me to run some further tests”.
The old man didn’t quite catch all of that, so he nudges his wife for the repeat.
The wife looks at her husband and says loudly to the doctor, “Don’t worry doctor, you will have them tomorrow.”
The old man looks quizzically as his wife, his unasked question still not answered.
Sensing this, the wife prompts in a loud voice, “He said, he wants me to bring a pair of your underpants in for him…”
This is not a nice topic to breach, but it is one I feel is absolutely necessary. We have in our office… an untrained person.
And when I say untrained, I mean unable to use the most simple of shared toilet etiquette utensils – the toilet brush.
Yes, every now and then when one makes their way down to the bathroom on the lower level, closes the door behind them, unzips their pants and lifts the lid of the toilet – there on the perfectly, gleaming white porcelain bowl will lie the worst of the worst, the horror of horrows: skid marks and little chunks of unflushed, sticky poo.
Not cool untrained person, not cool.
Even I know what the toilet brush situated next to the toilet is intended for.
Perhaps it is time that your partner takes you in hand and teaches you the basic etiquette that comes with a shared toilet? O.o
Really, I do wish this with my whole heart. There is nothing more off-putting than saying hello to an already streaky brown toilet bowl…
You might laugh at this one, but a lot of cities do have ordnances in place that forces people to pick up after their dogs or face rather stiff penalties – though one is left to wonder just who is responsible for all that illegal dumping left behind by strays then…
Final note, Judge Dredd is awesome. If you haven’t picked it up, do yourself a favour and grab a copy of either Judge Dredd Megazine or 2000AD – the absolute best in British black humour comics. (Though I kind of miss the fully painted strip days. Computer colouring just doesn’t carry the same sort of charm with it).
It’s remarkable the level to which some people want to humanize their animals. Take toilet training for example. Take a gander across the Internet searching on the term toilet train cat and see the sheet amount of literature written on that one subject already. But as the photos and videos go on to prove, teaching your cat to use a human toilet for its business is pretty doable.
Though of course it does leave the question just whose job it is to flush.
But at least now we men would have an adequate scapegoat should our woman ever corner us regarding some or other piece of forgotten toilet etiquette…
(Oh and note that this comic marks the first official appearance of what will eventually become the House of C’s regular cast of characters. So welcome Candy, Cain and Coco, courtesy of Craig. Note the name theming and note the title of the comic. Now you’re getting it…)
Man, you know your marriage is in trouble when this happens to you! :(
Straight out of the lovely Great Britain, apparently a Scottish woman has just managed to avoid a prison sentence after she admitted to the charge that she had in fact put dog poo in her husband’s curry.
Apparently their marriage had broken down and Jill Martin, 47, took this action as a revenge attack, making her husband the tainted supper and then bursting out laughing when he started to eat it. He must have felt a right turd there and then I guess.
She escaped punishment by painting a dark portrait of her life, saying that she had taken action to deal with an alcohol problem and …over a period of years felt undermined by her partner and had very low self-esteem’.
The couple had been married for 21 years, but now (not that surprisingly I guess) the divorce proceedings are under way.
Well, I guess it could have been worse for the hapless husband. She could have made some nice slimy worm spaghetti to go with that curry!
