Taking off his shoes so as not to wake his wife, Dave tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump, breaking the remaining liquor bottles that he had brought with him in the process!
Managing not to yell, David sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding thanks to all the glass from the broken bottles. Managing to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids in the bathroom, he returned to the hall mirror and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could wherever he spotted blood.
Finally done, he then hid the now almost empty box and stumbled the rest of his way up to the room, slinking into the end of the bed without waking Kathy.
Come morning, David wakes up with a heavy head and a searing pain in his butt, and more disturbingly, a visibly annoyed Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
Not mincing her words, she said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”
To which Dave could only reply, ” Now why you say such a mean and untrue thing?”
“Well,” Kathleen said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly… it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!”
Arriving back home, she tries them on under a short skirt and then heads down to the lounge where she sits down on the sofa opposite her husband, who is busy reading the evening newspaper.
Every now and then, at strategic moments, she uncrosses her legs, eventually leading to her husband looking up, raising his eyebrow, and asking quizzically, “Are you wearing crotchless panties my dear?”
Smiling, she seductively half-whispers, “Yes – why does it turn you on?”
“Whew,” replied the husband. “For a minute there I thought you’d been sitting on top of the cat for the last twenty minutes!”
According to the coroner, he never heard the gunshot.
George is not having a good day on the golf course. None of his drives are going straight, his putting is horrendous, and to be honest, he just wasn’t being himself.
So the rest of his usual four-ball gathered around him and asked if something was up.
“It’s the wife,” said George. “As you all know, she’s taken up golf, and since she’s begun playing, she’s completely cut my sexy time down to only once a week!”
“That’s not so bad,” chirped up one of the guys from the four-ball. “Consider yourself lucky – she’s cut some of us out altogether!”
“Well Paddy, what do you mean by that?” asked a startled Brian.
“Three years ago, I thoroughly enjoyed the trip to the Bahamas. But on the return, we found out that my wife Victoria was pregnant. Good news for sure. Then two years ago, the trip to Hawaii was just as fantastic, but come to the end and Victoria was pregnant once again! And as you very well know, last year the trip to Mauritius was a right old success, but would you believe it, on the return we found out that Victoria was once again expecting!”
“Well, that’s a fantastic tale Paddy, but it still doesn’t tell me what you want to do differently for this year’s annual vacation?” replied Brian.
“That’s the thing Brian. This year I’m thinking of taking my wife Victoria along with me on holiday for a change!”
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. Sitting Maria down, she asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase at this time of the year?”
Maria answered, “Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I wanna increase.”
“The first is that I iron better than you.”
Taken aback, the wife immediately snaps back with, “Well, who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Your husband, he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Your husband did”
Now properly agitated, the wife blurted out: “Oh he did – did he???”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth: “And did my husband say that as well?”
“No Senora…,” replied Maria softly: “The gardener did.”
He opts for the most sheer item, pays the R500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs to try it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks to herself, “Here’s an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the R500 refund for myself.”
Happy with her underhanded plan, she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
Catching sight of his wife, the husband says, “Good Lord! You’d think that for R500, they’d at least iron it a bit!”
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and so made the tough decision to use a surrogate father to start their family, but that it would be done the good old fashioned way, with no test tubes or needles in sight.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife good-bye and said, “Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rung the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
“Good morning, Ma’am”, he said, “I’ve come to…”
“Oh, no need to explain,” Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed. “I’ve been expecting you.”
“Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?”
“Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!”
“Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot!” gasped Mrs. Smith.
“Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.”
“Don’t I know it,” said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus,” he said.
“Oh my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
“Yes”, the photographer replied, “and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.”
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um… equipment?”
“It’s true, Ma’am, yes. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.”
“Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand for very long.”
At this point she fainted.
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Emma, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Emma replied, “Well Herman, I have to be honest with you too dear. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”
Hurt by his wife’s sudden and unexpected confession, Herman managed to stay composed and said, “I never suspected a thing. Could you perhaps please tell me just what you mean by ‘good reason’?”
Emma said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Herman recalled the visit to the banker and said, “Oh. But I can forgive you for that my dear, after all, you saved our home. And the second time?”
Emma asked, “Do you remember when you were so sick and we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”
“I recall that,” replied Herman tearfully, “And again you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”
“All right,” Emma said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of the synagogue, and you needed 73 more votes to win?”
Both men are playing well, but they are being held up by two women in front of them who are moving at a much slower pace. Joe offers to go and talk to the women and see if they will let them pass. He gets about 3/4ths of the way, stops and jogs back.
His boss asks what the problem is.
Joe replies, “Well it turns out that one of those women is my wife and the other happens to be my mistress!”
Phil shakes his head and starts walking towards the women himself, determined to finish his round of golf before lunch runs out. Preparing to ask the ladies to let them play through, he too stops short and turns around.
This time it is Joe who asks, “What’s wrong boss?”
Phil replies, “It’s a small, small world Joe, and by the way, you’re fired!”